A Mom's life

Comfort to Consequence

2012-02-09T18:48:00.001-05:00

After a long week and a half of thinking, I went in to radiation today not sure if I would come out radiated or not. With each phase of treatment, there was not many questions. Of course we had concerns with surgery and chemotherapy, and we knew there could be side effects, but we did not question the treatment. We did what we thought needed to be done. After receiving the radiation education and talking to as many people as would listen, I just wasn't sure it was for me, I had questions, lots of questions as noted in the last post.
So today we went in armed with our questions and prayers of making the right decision. Ready to walk away or ready to get started we were not yet set on.

However, I did consider lots of things on the way to Goshen such as: All this time we've been praying for my Doctors, that they would make the best choices possible in the way of my care. It seemed sort of hypocritical to question them now. I was showering this morning listening to music, a random play list and the only song I could remember was Because He lives, and the verse "Because He lives, I can face tomorrow, because He lives all fear is gone, because I knooooooow he holds the future...". I was also sent a verse by a friend this week that knew I was facing this decision, yet she sent it to me regarding a completely different matter Psalm 56:11 In God have I put my trust: I will not be afraid what man can do unto me. I also wrestled with the thought this week that no matter what I do God knows when I will take my last breath. Whether I decided to do radiation or not it will not prolong or end my life any sooner then God has already planned.

So after all of that and a good 20 minutes of quizzing the Dr. we decided to go ahead and proceed with radiation. I will tell you there was not an overwhelming sense of calmness once that decision was made. I felt fine about the decision, but once we made it I had a short 20 minutes to prepare myself that I was actually going to do it, and as I lay on the table being prepared to have my first treatment lots of things were going through my mind. Starring at the beautiful fake tulip tree over the lights above me I began to think about how much burden this will cause for everyone involved on my end. People to take care of Max when needed, Nate to rearrange his schedule for the next 6 weeks so that I can go and be treated every morning, our bank account, and how much gas we will be purchasing along with any other cost to get there, and then the side effects I've been warned about that will effect me daily. Skin pain, and fatigue and how Max may not understand all of that, and just think of it as another day that Mommy wants to lay on the couch. You are probably wondering how long I was laying there about now... (about 40 min).

Once I was done, I got dressed, got my husband, and left. As I got in the car and started the engine this was the first thing I heard:

You must...

You must think I'm strong

To give me what I'm going through

Well forgive me

Forgive me if I'm wrong

But this looks like more than I can do

On my own

I know I'm not strong enough to be

everything that I'm supposed to be

I give up, I'm not strong enough

Hands of mercy won't you cover me

Lord right now I'm asking you to be

Strong enough, strong enough

For the both of us

This is a song that I have listened to several times through-out this journey, but even today it took on new meaning. So now as I begin phase 3 of my battle against this disease I ask for your continued prayers for my mind to be at ease about the things I cannot change, peace in knowing things will and are being taken care, and travel safety as I drive each morning during the week to get my treatments.

1 down 32 to go!!

A Burning Bush

2012-02-04T23:08:00.003-05:00

Tonight I'm praying for a burning bush, No..... not the kind you plant, the kind that is in the Bible. Not literally, but something that is a very clear sign to me on my next stage of treatment. So here is what I am struggling with, the pros and cons of radiation:

Pros:

It will help prevent my cancer from returning

It increases my chance of survival

My doctors are strongly recommending it

Cons:

It could cause a secondary cancer (in a study done 9% of people got a second cancer 8% was caused by radiation, and more than half of those were breast and prostate cancer survivors)

It could cause heart damage/failure

It will damage at least 20% of my lung

Some other things I was told by my doctor were that I am not a typical candidate for radiation. They usually recommend it for patients who's tumor was larger then 5cm and had 4 or more lymph nodes affected. My largest tumor was 2cm and only 2 of my lymph nodes were affected, but because of my age they are recommending that I go through with the treatment. The above mentioned study also speaks to those who are young when having their initial cancer are at greater risk of developing a second cancer with radiation. I will also be at much greater risk for skin cancer in the area that radiation will be given which is from my neck down to almost the bottom of my rib cage, and from the middle of my chest all the way to my side on the right side. Its a big area, in which most would be covered during times when I'm in the sun, but there is still quite a bit exposed that I would need to worry about. With boating and swimming being a big part of our lifestyle in the summer months it would be something I would continuously have to worry about.

Radiation methods have changed and improved a lot since the study I read was done, but at this time it has been long enough to determine long term effects with the newer methods. Obviously I'm not going to base my decision off this one study, but it is one of the best I found regarding statistics.

So anyhow I will stop boring you all with facts and statistics I just need to get this out of my head. Up until now I hadn't questioned my treatment plan, but now that I'm moving on to the next stages, and I've been given some education on radiation and time to think I feel so unsure of what to do. It scares me to make these kind of decisions not knowing what the outcome could be either way. Its not like deciding brown shoes or black its a whole other ball game and it feels like the weight of the world.

Doctor, doctor give me the news....

2012-01-26T19:18:00.000-05:00

So I met with my radiation oncologist on Tuesday afternoon. I had met him one time right after my surgery, but don't really remember much of what he said other than radiation will follow chemo for 33 treatments. He again echoed the same, but filled me in a bit more on the process. Next Monday I will go in for SIM scan for the doctor to locate exactly where they will be giving my radiation. I will also be tattooed, but I'm not sure if that will happen Monday or right before I start radiation. I should be able to start a week from my scan so that would put my start date Feb. 6th, however Dr. Doctor isn't as anxious as I to get started so I may have to wait another day or so to begin. (Side note: Dr. Doctor isn't actually my radiation oncologist name, but a little joke we have because my Dr. has his MD and his PHD, he is very smart)

We have been so blessed with help thus far for the kids, and while we haven't had any lack of offers radiation makes things a little tricky being that its every day . So the plan for now is for me to get up and go very early every morning that is possible. Nate gets the kids on the bus usually so nothing will change there, but my hope is that he can get Max off to school on M,W, & F, and that I will be back in time to pick him up at 11:15. On Tuesday and Thursdays as his work schedule allows Nate will stay at home until I am back around 9:00-9:30 each morning or take Max to our wonderful babysitter Lisa who has been helping out through chemo, and she will watch him until I get home. Right now 1 week off of chemo I have a lot of ambition and more energy then I've had in months. Although I'm still not up to par, the difference is there. I've been told by my NP that I will feel the effects of radiation through fatigue. Also, while the actual treatment is not painful the side effects will be far more so then chemo with the burning of my skin and sore throat, enough to which I've been told I will probably only want to eat soft foods once it begins. So I hope that I can endure this all well and get through each day as upbeat, and energetic as possible. I'm so ready for this all to be over, and begin a normal life once again.

On an unrelated note: We've only had one showing for our house so far, and while a bit discouraging I am still very excited at the thought of getting back to Goshen, family & friends. It has given me something to plan and look forward to as well as concentrate on beside cancer and treatments.

Phase One- COMPLETE!!!

2012-01-17T18:20:00.000-05:00

CHEMO IS FINISHED!!! I am so happy to be able to type those words!! My last treatment of chemo ended today. Although I'm trying not to get ahead of myself because I still have 6 long weeks of daily radiation to get through and then a few other minor things to do after that, but that is less than half the time if took for chemo so I'm hoping it will feel like it goes quickly!
Some other positive news that we talked about today besides it being my last treatment was that my cancer came back hormone positive there are some other big words to describe that, but basically what it means is that my cancer grew and survived on estrogen. This is good because it means that by forcing my body to suppress the production of estrogen it increases my chances greatly of the cancer not coming back. The chemo has already pushed me into menopause, but because I'm done my body may revert back to normal so once radiation is done I will start taking a pill (tamoxifen) for 5 years daily so that it will suppress those hormones, and my oncologist is considering a 2-year monthly injection that will suppress my ovaries which is basically like having a non-surgical hysterectomy. That isn't the greatest news since for the last 4 years I've been wanting to have another baby, but I know that birthing a child isn't the only way for us to grow our family, although through-out the last 5 months God has given me a peace about not being able to give birth ever again.

On another note, about 2 weeks ago we made the decision to put our house on the market and move back to the Goshen area. Although, Columbia City has been extremely supportive through-out the last several months, since even before my diagnosis my heart has ached to be back closer to family, and as soon as I found the lump on my breast and knew that it was abnormal I told Nate, that if it was cancer I wanted to move back. Nate has been gracious, supportive, and loving and finally honored my request despite his own wants so as soon as our house is sold we're headed home it will be a bitter-sweet ending to this journey, and my prayer is that we are honoring God through-out the entire process.

As we move forward I would ask that you pray specifically for me as I travel to and from Goshen daily beginning in February and for the family that will buy our house, that they will be as blessed in this home as we were. Also for our family as we prepare the house for each showing that it is not stressful, and once sold that the transition for the kids is smooth.

Everyone that is done with treatment gets to ring this bell!!

A New Year...

2012-01-01T19:16:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year! At this time last year I never imagined that this year would bring me hoping for a new year full of hair, energy, and a cancer free bill of health. As I lay here in bed rounding out the first day of the new year (which was a great one) I can't help but hope this year is full of amazing new things. I WILL finish my treatments, I WILL have hair again, and I will also send my baby off to kindergarten and become a Mommy with no kids at home. I am sure there are a lot of other things I will do, but those 3 are the ones that are in the forefront of my mind right now.

If I was able to do anything I want this year it would be to start the new year cancer-free, but since that will have to wait I am choosing to start it out healthier- no dieting, but eating better, trying to exercise when I have the energy, and also trying to take the gifts God has given us through the last several months and use them to our benefit and his glory. Gifts such as family time, a strong marriage, and being more aware of how I can help others who are walking this road of cancer. I don't know in what capacity that will be, but I hope that my eyes have been washed clean so that I can see it clearly.

This last year has brought us to our knees and my prayer is that in the year to come we will stay on our knees!

Year in Review (aka our Christmas Letter)

2011-12-31T16:03:00.003-05:00

For those that can't read the tiny little letters...here is what the letter says I wanted to put the original on here as well:

Merry Christmas!! I hope this letter finds you well. I don’t typically write a Christmas letter. I think it’s a great idea, and I’ve started one several years, but just never finished. This year, however, has been an interesting one, and I thought I would recap it for those of you who made it on the Christmas card list, haha!

As 2011 rang in this year it didn’t take long for us to know it wasn’t going to be our average year of the usual things. Nate started off with an ER visit that turned into extended stay accommodations at Parkview Whitley, our local hospital. He was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease, and had severe inflammation and blockage in his small intestine. After his stay he came home and was off work for about 6 weeks in which time he went through numerous test, and drugs to try and combat the pain and bowel issues he was having. He continued with drugs and diet changes through September, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves here.

January also brought the celebration of Parker’s 9^th birthday; we can hardly believe he is so old. He is doing very well in school and just made the “A” honor roll for the first trimester of 4^th grade. He’s getting to the age of wanting his own independence a little more, and becoming a little stinkier. He once again participated in the Dekalb Baron’s summer basketball camp under direction of his Uncle Jon, and for the first time went to the Columbia City Eagles basketball camp this October. He’s getting pretty good, but we may have a conflict with which team he likes more!

In March we celebrated Maxwell’s 4^th birthday, and my… um, 29 again birthday. Max is growing like a weed I can hardly keep up with pants and shoes. He is all boy and ornery as ever. He began his 2^nd year of pre-school this year, and thankfully is very good at school, and enjoys it very much.

April brought an addition to the family. After a fun family vacation to Kalahari in Wisconsin Dells and a day trip to Chicago Legoland we became members of the dog owner’s club. We bought a 6 week old golden retriever and named him Bentley. He went from fitting into a 6x6 in. tile on our kitchen floor to being a 57lb 9 month old. He’s defiantly Nate’s baby, but after a few rough days in the beginning he has become a part of the family.

May was warm and wonderful. We spent a lot of time playing outside, but because of all the snow we had over the winter the kids had an extra-long school year and didn’t get out until the 9^th of June.

In June we decided to get passes to our city pool, we spent quite a few days through-out the month pool side and the kids enjoyed it very much. Towards the last week of June I found a lump in my breast and so began a new journey for our family.

In July we celebrated Caedence’s 6^th birthday. She began 1^st grade this year and although she is very smart she enjoys the social time at school rather than the academics. She has lost 4 teeth in the last few months and has become a lot more girlie over the last year doing her hair and painting her nails are beginning to trump playing with toys on some days. We also celebrated Nate’s 33^rd birthday, as you can see he keeps getting older J, and I became an Auntie on my side of the family for the first time as my brother and wife had their first baby on July 26^th(It’s also Caedy’s b-day). As July progressed with more Dr. appts. for me we learned on July 22^nd that I had breast cancer. July 27^th I had a complete mastectomy.

August brought a month of healing and more Dr. appts. we were unexpectedly taken care of and blessed by family and friends far and wide. Our niece, Marissa, graciously gave up her last month of summer to come and stay with us and help as I recovered. Towards the end of the month I had another surgery for a port so that I could begin chemotherapy. As all this was going on Nate started to feel the pains of blockage and inflammation again.

September brought us to Hannah’s birthday just a few days after she began life as a 2^nd grader she turned 8 years old. She is the instigator of the bunch but is turning into a good little athlete and loves all sports. Although they don’t recognize 2^nd grade with an official honor roll Hannah also is getting all A’s in school so far this year, and despite a few academic struggles in first grade is doing really well at keeping up with her grade level. We had a small fundraiser thanks to a family friend on Sept. 4^th and September 7^th was my first scheduled chemotherapy infusion, although, Nate apparently didn’t like all the attention I was getting so he decided another trip to the hospital ER would make him stand out a little more. However this time we didn’t go to one, but 3 hospitals before he landed at Parkview Main in Ft. Wayne for a 2 week stay on Sept. 6^th. This time we had a few more opinions than that of the GI doctor he acquired during his January visit, and Nate ended up have a bowel resection on Sept. 13^th. He was released from the hospital Sept. 20^th one day before my 2^nd scheduled chemo treatment. Although Marissa had left and headed back to Arizona we were again taken care of by the grace of God.

October brought more healing and more chemo, and another blessing in the form of a young lady named Lisa who is for lack of a better term our on-call nanny. She has been great with our kids whenever we need her. We were also able to get away over night with the kids, thanks to Lisa’s help for a one night stay at Kalahari. It wasn’t our typical family get-a-way, but the kids enjoyed it and deserved it as they have really endured a lot. Our awesome neighbors put on an amazing fundraising event for us, and although we would have rather done it a little differently Nate and I tried to enjoy the time off we had together while he healed.

Nate was finally able to go back to work the second week in November after a total of 10 weeks off, and I continued on with chemo. We’ve had a few little hiccups along the way with my treatment, but for the most part it has been going as expected, side effects and all. We were also able to host our very first Thanksgiving at home with my parents visiting from Colorado, and my siblings.

So far December has been rather uneventful considering all the other things that have happened this year, but among other things we’ve learned to expect the unexpected, grown, and been blessed beyond what we could have ever imagined. Our families, and friends have stood beside, behind and in front of us through-out this year and we wouldn’t have made it as well as we have without that support.

God has brought us to a place that had we known about we would have said we’d never make it through, but He’s given us the strength and encouragement we needed to do so. Although every day is a new day to get through we are taking them one at a time, and know that there is a bigger plan. We can only pray that we are glorifying Him as we walk through this journey. We continue to be grateful for everything we have been given, and as we enter this season we remember He gave His only son because he loved us and would only bring us to this place because he loves us.

As we move into next year I will continue chemo and then radiation around Feb. At some point we will talk about reconstruction which will be another surgery and recovery, but probably more towards the fall of next year.

Much love and many blessings to each and every one of you! If you have prayed for us, brought us a meal, brought us groceries, made a donation, watched our kids, cleaned our house, walked our dog, given us a care package or anything else we just want to take a moment to thank you. We know we will never be able to repay all the people in our lives who have stepped up, but we plan to pay it forward whenever we have the chance. We love you and are so grateful for you all.

God Bless Us...Everyone!

2011-12-25T01:06:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas everyone. I know New Year's is the time to reflect and think about the year that has past, but tonight as I set the presents out, most of them so generously given to us by strangers, I can't help but think about the last year. God set us on a path at the beginning of this year that we thought was hard, but after a little while we learned to cope. Later in the year God threw us another curve ball, this one a littler harder to deal with and a little harder to just "cope" with, as we were still dealing with the first stumbling block of Nate's Crohn's Disease we began to try and deal with cancer. As each of those first days progressed we we're given a new aspect of this disease to deal with, and even with love and support pouring in I didn't think this was something I could do. I was right (I love to saying that, but not in this case)!!
Each and everyday has been an challenge some good and some bad... although its technically Christmas Day already during the day today I have been very emotional. I woke up not feeling well, and trying to deal with that just made me feel worse. I finally got the energy to get up and get going and all I could do was cry most of the day. I'm sure it is due to the hormonal changes happening in my body, but it is not how I had planned on feeling on Christmas Eve, and so it goes, it is not how I had planned on spending a better part of 2011, but its also not my plan I should focus on. So as I get ready to go to sleep, probably to be woken up in a few hours by excited kids who can't wait to begin ripping paper off gifts I am thankful, thankful for the gift that God has given us, thankful for the strangers who have given to us so unselfishly, and thankful for the lessons I've learned this year, the blessings I've received and the people who have surrounded us with love and support. Merry Christmas, and God Bless You All!!!

God just hears a melody

2011-12-04T19:41:00.000-05:00

On my way home yesterday from breakfast with two ladies who are also fighting breast cancer I heard the Amy Grant song Better than a Hallelujah. I've always liked Amy Grant, but don't listen to her music regularly other than what is on the radio, and I've heard this song many times before, but never really paid attention to the lyrics. As I was rethinking the conversations from breakfast filled with comparisons of struggles and triumphs the chorus to this song really stuck in my head. I'm grateful for a God who hears praise even in the midst of our messes and miseries especially since over the last several months I haven't been as initially praising as I should be. Better than a Hallelujah sometimes....

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

Roller Coaster Ride

2011-11-29T15:25:00.000-05:00

There are some days when I look in the mirror and think ... is this real? I remember in my BC( before cancer) life that I would see someone bald from cancer, usually on tv, and wonder what that must be like. I could never even imagine it. Today as I sit here in my infusion room alone I still am having a hard time grasping the fact that YES, this is my life! I still have trouble looking toward the future, and being on the survivor side of this disease, and when days like today come up, where my liver still isn't functioning right, and my drug dose has been reduced to try and control that issue I just stare at the ceiling and wonder ... is this real? Will it ever seem real? Is it better that it doesn't seem that way?

It has been an emotional week for me I'm not sure why although I'm only counting today and yesterday I tend lately to just have a day or an hour that is a little tougher. With the holidays upon us I've begun to let the devil take hold of my brain and thinking more about what if this is my last holiday with my kids, and what have I done to make a difference in someone else's life in the last 32 years? As I sit here I can here a man talking as he gets his treatment about life, and all the experiences he's had in the last week and the last 70 or so years. I wonder if I will be able to be in that position in 40 years? I keep hearing stories of this disease taking lives I don't want to be one of those statistics for the next 32 year old, mother of 4 who has to sit in this chair.

More Taxol Troubles

2011-11-21T19:16:00.000-05:00

Well, last week I wasn't able to have a treatment as most of you already know... I was very discouraged to say the least because 1. I had driven almost an hour for treatment, 2. because my liver isn't functioning right which could cause permanent damage and mean more problems, and 3. because my doctor said if it doesn't change we'll have to try something different. I feel like "something different" isn't good enough. When I was diagnosed with cancer the doctors all met and discussed the best plan of action, and so we set forth with plan in mind. Now if I have to change that I feel like its the second best, and for me second best isn't good enough when it comes to dealing with cancer.
So as I am facing tomorrow's uncertainty of if treatment will continue as planned I feel a little anxious. Hoping we don't have to change drugs, and hoping my liver was just having a bad week and things are back to normal.

Taxol

2011-11-08T17:22:00.001-05:00

Well today was treatment 2 of 12 of Taxol and 6 of 16 of total chemo. Last week I had a pretty bad day after chemo. I've been having a lot of anxiety about my treatments each time because each one has been different. So last week as I went into doing a new drug I was nauseated before I even made it to the cancer center and then had a reaction, very typical, to it so we had to stop and restart, and I was dosed up with lots of steroids and benadryl, and ended up sleeping through almost the entire treatment for a total of about 18 hours. Once I started having the allergic reaction last week they gave me an extra steroid to try an help that and it seemed to work. So this week I didn't know what to expect, and going in I again had some anxiety. My doctor also told me before treatment if I had the same reaction that she would switch my taxol. It isn't actually the taxol that cause the allergic reaction its the drug that carries it into my body so they can switch to a different carrier, however, that requires I go back to going every 2-3 weeks instead of weekly which would stretch my treatment out considerably and that didn't sound appealing at all since it would mean I would still being doing treatments next summer instead of being done in the spring. Thankfully we were able to get it right this time by just starting with the IV steroid and a little less benadryl. I made it through without needing a nap until the ride home and am awake now which was not even a possibility last week. So I'm very thankful for that. I will get to continue going weekly and I'm hopeful each treatment will be easier.
I'm still worried about dealing with anxiety. I have always been a little anxious when I go into situations where I can't control what is going to happen or an unaware of all the details, but it obviously is to the extreme for me right now with making me literally sick. I hope that as this chemo goes on that will get easier. I still struggle with feeling like we don't deserve all the blessings that are being bestowed upon us despite the cancer, and sometimes even feel guilty about accepting them sometime, however, this week I've been given the opportunity to help others. I'm sad to say this week I've learned of 2 people that have been diagnosed with breast cancer, but I'm very happy to be able to encourage them, and understand them as they begin this walk, and even help out a little with talking to the people who are walking this walk with them. I still have days I don't always feel ready, but there are good days too, and I pray I can take full advantage of those days!

2011-11-05T22:38:00.000-04:00

Just an update on how things are going. I started my new chemo this past week. The treatment itself was a lot harder then the other treatments. I had a lot of nausea and anxiety going into it, and then had a reaction from the drug itself so that was no fun. However, since all of that happened I had a lot of other drugs along with the chemo that made me very exhausted, and I sleep through most of my treatment, all the way home, and pretty much until 8am the next morning. When I woke up I actually felt decent. Got out of bed, took a shower, and just kinda hung out around the house for the day, each day this week I had a little more energy, but did a lot more so at this point in the week I am completely exhausted. My legs feel like jello even though I didn't do a whole lot today. All in all the chemo is better, and the side effects are minimal, its still chemo, and now weekly so I'm not looking forward to that, but 1 down 11 to go. We're still being amazingly blessed along the way, and tomorrow are leaving town to take a break from all the stress of everything else for a night, that.. that will be another post for another day..lots of anxiety lately about that and several other things.

3 months

2011-10-23T08:35:00.000-04:00

Today marks 3 months by date that I found out I had cancer. I've been in bed since Tuesday recovering from my 4th chemo treatment, and my neighbor along with the help of family, friends, and this community are putting on a fundraiser for our family. Its a big day to say the least. I'm sad, my legs are weak, barely strong enough to last for a short shower, and I'm still nauseated from chemo. I want to be up with my kids, although currently they are all talking, singing, and yelling at the same time literally. I keep having dreams about the future distant and not so. Waking up worrying about Kindergarten round-up that isn't until March, and then upset because I'm missing a good majority of the last year of being a stay at home Mom with a kid at home. Thinking about my daughter's 2nd grade program next week, and the promise of taking her shopping to get a new outfit, this weekend, not happening. Just a lot of randomness. Its a lot of what I think about daily but some days its worse then others. Today I feel like a burden, so many people coming out to support us and me not even able to get the strength to show up. Day 5 of needing people to wait on me, and feeling a bit helpless.
I told Nate tonight that I just don't understand why all these people want to help us. We are so undeserving, What have we done for God to place all these people in our lives to love on and pray for us? Neither of us have the answer, nor may we ever, but we both fully intend to pay it forward once we are better. It is the least, the very least that we can do. I just hope we can get better soon because we have a lot of work ahead of us!

A Regular Sunday

2011-10-16T21:39:00.000-04:00

We had a normal Sunday today. We got up, 45 minutes before we had to leave for church, and I rushed everyone around to get ready and out the door. We made it! This is a big accomplishment considering we haven't been to church as a family since early August. I can tell you I didn't sleep the entire night before. I had horrible dreams and the anxiety mounted all night long. I felt ready on a spiritual level to get back, but emotionally I was a wreck. Worrying about if people who didn't know what was going on would stare, and if people who did know what was going on would stare, my legs were shaky my heart was racing as I walked up to the door with the girls. I made it though, we went in sat through service saw a few friends, and came home. Nate watched football I got all the laundry and a few odds and ends caught up for the week, and made a trip to Walmart. Then I came home and MADE dinner for our family, not even just thawing out something frozen I actually put together a meal, a meal like no other, the Sunday evening meal that would make any Mom proud.... hot dogs, Velveeta shells and cheese, and green beans :) but I didn't stop there OH NO, I even got dessert... we topped off dinner with root beer floats!!! Then we got the kids ready for school tomorrow, and put them to bed. It was a very non-eventful day honestly, but it was a regular Sunday, and we haven't had one of those in a long time, it felt great!
Tomorrow should be just another manic Monday, and then Tuesday I have my last of the first 4 chemo treatments. This is kind of a mile marker because the first 4 treatments are said to be the hardest, and let me tell you the last one was horrible, and my oncologist said the next will probably be worse. After this one I have a week off and then I begin my weekly chemo treatments. I am NOT looking forward to my treatment this week. The thought of it makes me very emotional. In fact even the last time I began feeling nauseated on the way to chemo before we even made it to Goshen, and this time I anticipate it to be no different. Its so hard to get through one chemo, and finally start to feel better, then have to do it all over again knowing not only will it be as bad as the last time, but worse. I guess no one ever said this would be easy....thank goodness for "A Regular Sunday".

I just wanna complain for a minute

2011-10-07T10:19:00.000-04:00

Thankfully no one told me that with each treatment I'd feel worse. I honestly thought they'd all be about the same as far as side effects go. Boy was I wrong! I've spent over half the night and morning in the bathroom, taken tons of anti nausea meds, my fingers are tingling, my skin hurts to the touch, my bones ache, Laying on one side for too long hurts, but flipping to the other hurts my port. I'm hungry, but feel sick. I'm cold, I'm hot, my eyes burn, I'm tired but can't sleep, I want to get out of this bed for more then a trip to the bathroom, but my heart starts racing, my legs feel like jello, and it takes way too much energy! Its dark in my room, but the sun hurts my eyes, and all the while my cat is just laying here staring at me wondering why the heck does she look like a Katy Perry song!

ok I'm done... just had to get that out!

Sweet innocence

2011-10-02T21:04:00.000-04:00

It's been a pretty overwhelming day today. Just taking in all the fall in the air, and enjoying God's beauty. Of course there is the ever important fall sport of football which I could really care less about, but with boys in the house inevitable its on our TV for at least one game a day on the weekends. Today was no different, Nate relaxed on the couch with the kids off and on, and the football games began, but being that its October there was a lot of pink on the field. Pink shoes, towels, ribbons and shirts all over the stadium. One of my kids innocently said, "look, Mom they are wearing pink for you" they really have no idea that there are so many other women out there fighting this fight, but in a way I'm glad they think that everyone is wearing pink just for me because then they can see how much support we have been shown without knowing even half the people who have supported us, and someday when they run into someone else who has no hair and is a little flat chested hopefully they will show them as much support as others have shown us.

2011-09-28T15:12:00.000-04:00

When he tells me I'm beautiful
What do I say
When he tells me I'm beautiful
and I don't feel that way

When he tells me I'm beautiful
my eyes start to fill
When he tells me I'm beautiful
beautiful still

When he tells me I'm beautiful
I love him even more
When he tells me I'm beautiful
it brings me up from the floor

When he tells me I'm beautiful
I feel like I can fight like a girl
When he tells me I'm beautiful
beautiful still

When he tells me I'm beautiful
what do I say
When he tells me I'm beautiful
and he loves me any way

too much

2011-09-24T09:22:00.000-04:00

Nothing in the world can prepare you for a morning like this... even the previous days of hair loss can not prepare you for how my day started today. As I do each morning I woke up and got prepared to take my shower. In the last few days I have started to loose my hair, but this morning as I let the hot water run over my body and wet my hair I could feel clumps of hair running down my back and then to my legs as it journeyed towards the drain. The emotion is uncontrollable as my eyes are heavy and hot with tears even under the hot shower I could still feel them pouring out. As I anticipated this day I knew it would be a long one, but even after arriving its still too much to bare. My head hurts from the throbbing of a headache and from each strand that is coming out. My heart aches for all that I'm going through, and that is yet to come. And as I wait for the hair still left on my head to dry my body is shaking knowing that this will be the last time for a while I will have hair. As with the rest of this journey I fear rejection and a different sense of womanhood. How my children and husband will look and feel about me/ Its too much for one day, just too much..

Treatment 2

2011-09-21T09:50:00.000-04:00

Day 2 of treatment two so far has been similar to Day 2 of treatment 1, but last night was horrible. I was weak, and terribly nauseated couldn't sleep even though I had been given a drug that helps with sleeping and nausea. This morning I woke up crampy and still a bit nauseous, however after breakfast I did what I do every morning... I ran my fingers through my hair, not a good idea. I didn't get a clump of hair in return, but several strands each time I did it. I noticed last night that my "hair hurt" as we call it around here. You know when you wear your hair up all day and then take it down and it just hurts where you've had it up. I know this won't apply to most of the men in my life seeing as they have the look I'm about to attain, but Nate claims he gets the sensation too when his hair is growing out longer then he usual wears it.

All in all my treatment yesterday went ok we did have to slow down my drip considerably from the last time as my headache came on much sooner. For those that have medical knowledge the first treatment I was at 900ml, they backed it off to 700ml at the end last time, she started at 700ml this time backed it off to 500ml and then finally backed it down to 250ml with a saline dilute running simultaneously. It took considerably longer, which is ok. I had time to visit with my Grandma, but I hope its not an indication of things to come seeing as each time has gotten worse faster. I also acquired 3 more scripts to help with side effects. Between Nate and I we could probably start a small pharmacy, and I will admit that the pharmacist knows me by first name without looking at my script already. Not a goal I ever thought I'd achieve, but it didn't come in handy when Nate's doc wrote an illegal prescription the other night. Nothing horrible he just used one script pad when he should have used two. Luckily with a quick phone call and some understanding we got it filled. Look for some new pictures in the next update.

Nate's still in pain, but by my side, hopefully getting some good healing. I'm so happy he is home even if he doesn't feel the greatest its very comforting.

The Weeks End

2011-09-17T08:10:00.000-04:00

When I posted on Sunday that it was the start of a long week I had no idea how long it would actually be. Nate came through his surgery with flying colors. The doctor did it in about half the time he had scheduled for it. They took less of the colon and small bowel then they thought they would have to and he didn't have to have a bag attached on the outside. The surgeon also said that as for his Crohn's he looked everything over, and his bowels look really good and its not progressed at all. HOWEVER, after surgery things did not go as planned. Nate was in extreme pain so much so that on top of his personal pain pump he also had a continuous drip of pain meds too. He was so sedated with those that he couldn't even speak more than a couple words at a time and most of those didn't make sense. It was no fun seeing him lay there like that it was physically exhausting trying to encourage and help him sit up, breath and eat ice chips and very emotionally exhausting as well. Thursday and Friday brought back more of my Nate, walking the entire hospital and no less then 2 electronic devices in front of him at once trying to get back to work. Still physically exhausted from surgery, but getting to the things he should be doing after surgery. There is chance he'll come home tomorrow, but if not then Monday. The only thing left for him to prove at the hospital is that he can manage the pain with pills like he would at home rather then the pain pump. I'm anxious to get him home because I've gained about 20lbs eating at the hospital the food is so good there, and because it will be a lot easier for me to rest once he is here. I don't know how I made it through this week I've neglected myself as far as resting like I need, but I'd do it all over again for him, in a heartbeat. We're on the road to recovery with Nate...hopefully soon it will be my turn!

The other side of the waiting room

2011-09-13T11:14:00.001-04:00

As I ~~sit~~ lay here in the waiting room watching the surgery progression scroll by on the screen... I can't even think clearly. I thought hey, this is a good time to post on the blog... now I think hey what the heck can I write about as they are most likely making their first incisions on my husband. I don't know how he was so strong in waiting "here" for me 8 weeks ago almost to the day. How calm and level headed he was, when I couldn't even hold it together as they wheeled me down for surgery. He was in good spirits right before, and completely passed out on the way down, just mumbling a "thanks you guys" as they wheeled him away. My stomach is making so much noise I have already checked a couple of times to see if its actually my cell phone, that is laying on me, vibrating.

In all honestly I hate the idea of surgery because you just never know, but I am very glad that Nate is getting it, and hope that it helps him a great deal with the pain and suffering he has been dealt with this disease. I hope that it goes as expected and he can recovery quickly.

So as I sit her with my family and my husband's wedding ring attached to my pink bracelet I will try to be strong, if only as half as strong as he has been for me.

Another long week ahead

2011-09-11T22:41:00.001-04:00

We're about to embark on another long week this week. Nate will be having his surgery on Tuesday morning, and so it goes from there on out. I hope that he gets through his surgery as well as I did mine. Its a much more extensive surgery, and recovery time is a substantially longer then what I endured. We both think its crazy that neither of us have ever had a surgery before now, and in the same year within a couple months we'll both have laid on an operating table. Nate's surgeon seems hopeful that although his pain was bad he is still in better form then others who go into this, and is optimistic it will be without complication, but we know there are still risks and problems that can arise.

Trying to focus on the good, I can't help but think about the last 11 years I've spent with this man 9 years as his wife, and better half of course :). I feel like we've loved each other, and appreciated most things about each other, and tried to respect each other in the best ways we know how. But Cancer & Crohn's have brought us to a different place in our marriage. A place we never imagined we'd be, and yet I feel like although the hardships and trials are still among us we wouldn't trade what are marriage is right now for anything less. I may not know how I will use cancer as a tool once I'm in a good place with it, but I can tell you I have absolutely ever confidence that I will be able to share with anyone how this has strengthened our relationship. I, now, more than ever look forward to the next 50 years with my husband, and pray that God will bless that beyond measure.

I don't want to waste one more minute not making our marriage everything it can be. I hope we have daily opportunities over the next 50 years to do so. I love you Nate, and for richer or poorer, happy or mad, sick or healthy will continue to do so all the days of my life.

Its taken me a little while to be able to listen to this but it is the perfect song..

There is a rumbly in my tummy

2011-09-09T18:35:00.000-04:00

This stinks! As if I expected anything different. I guess I expected it to be more manageable. Nauseous, stomach cramps, back ache, head ache, you name it I'm feeling it. Before I couldn't really see how people could give up on treatment knowing it was going to make them better, but now I see... how can you go from feeling good, to bad then starting to feel better knowing you have to do it all again?

On top of all that crud, I miss my husband. I want him here beside me, I want to go see him, I want him to hold me...I just want him, and I feel like he is a million miles away, and yet just out of my reach. I still can't even comprehend why God would give us all of this at once. Put our kids and families through all of this at once, not even giving us a chance to fend for ourselves. I don't know if its a test of a gift. I haven't come to the point yet that I can say, yes, I am going to use this situation to my advantage. Everyday I wake up and just want to scream, "WHY", but someone has taken my voice and I can't, I just can't!

Day 1

2011-09-07T22:11:00.000-04:00

Very sleepy tonight but I wanted to at least post and say we made it through chemo round one I'm exhausted from the last 24 hours. Nate will have surgery next Tuesday and be in the hospital for the next 2 weeks at least. More info after I sleep! Good News PET scan was clear of any other cancer!!

Broken Angel..

2011-09-07T00:19:00.000-04:00

Its 12:05am on Wednesday morning as I begin this post. Earlier I spent the whole day taking Nate to 3 different hospitals to have him admitted in Ft. Wayne at the last hospital we went to and possibly facing surgery. In about 8 hours I will begin my day and start my first chemo treatment. In the past post when I've said I'm overwhelmed I am now beginning to think I didn't really know what that meant until today.
On our way to the Ft. Wayne today as I was driving down US 30 all of the sudden I felt something fall on me. I looked up to see that my little guardian angel that hangs on my visor had broken in half. Somehow symbolizing the day and the last several weeks for our family. It made me lose some hope, and think out loud to Nate.. you know its a bad day when your guardian angel breaks in half and falls on your head. I'm so exhausted I can barely move my fingers across the keyboard in the right directions. I feel defeated and even more weak then before. How can I do all of this? Why all at once? Who is going to be strong now for me AND Nate? My babies are being taken care of, but I feel like they have had to learn things that they shouldn't have, and that isn't going to change anytime soon enough. Life as we knew it is getting a radical overhaul.
I need to sleep now, but I will have more to post soon. For now just pray because I can not end this post with anything I see good about today.

Stresssssss

2011-09-05T22:12:00.001-04:00

After a long weekend, I finally have time to sit and take it all in.

Thursday I had my PET scan... that wasn't too bad, but emotional thinking about what the results may be. I came home to Nate in the same place I had left him 4 hours previous, the fetal position on the couch in pain.

Friday was planned to be our date night to celebrate our anniversary, but Nate still wasn't feeling well still so we did the next best thing rented a movie, and sent the kids to Grandma's.

My little girl turned 8 on Saturday. I hate that each year from here on out her birthday will be a reminder of when I started chemo, but I hope that when she turns 18 I can celebrate being cancer free for almost 10 years.

Sunday was our fundraiser. I'm not sure how many people actually came for the ski show or the fundraiser, but there was a nice turn out either way, and we raised over 1,000 dollars to help with our medical cost. We still have some t-shirts left if anyone would like one. The kids had a great time, and we are so grateful to everyone who contributed to making that happen.

Today we spent time at the lake with friends, and I got my hair cut and colored thanks to their generosity and caring for us. We had a good time laughing and hanging out.

Now as I sit her tonight and listen to Nate sleeping, and his stomach making noise its all taking its toll. Nate's been having issues with his Crohn's since Wednesday evening, unfortunately even with more rest then he usual gets its not seeming to get better, but only worse. I feel horrible for him, and am scared to death that he isn't going to feel better this week as I begin chemo. I am scared that our kids are going to essentially have to grow up fast this year with our illnesses coinciding. I feel like I'm losing all control. I don't understand why God would give us all this at once, its getting harder to feel like everything will be ok knowing so many things are happening at once. I'm not this strong, and I hate to admit it but its so so hard to rely on God when I can't see him clearly. I feel like I can't breath already and now someone is putting a bag over my head.

Dear God, I hope that the one set of footprints is yours because I can't stand up anymore.

T-shirts

2011-08-31T12:17:00.029-04:00

My Brother-in-law and Sister-in-law do some awesome mission work in Arizona, and along with running their own mission there they also have a shirt printing business called Little Blue Bird Studios which helps the kids on the Apache Reservation learn work ethics and figure out some long term goals for their life. Below is a little video on Apache Youth Ministries (AYM).

So Little Blue Bird Studio has decided to help out our cause and make some t-shirts on behalf of the breast cancer fight that I am fighting and so many others have and will have.

Below are designs and colors you can choose.

"Fight like a girl"

"Someone I love needs a cure"

V-Neck Color Choices

pink

raspberry

black

If you would like to purchase a t-shirt please email size, style, design, and color to:

Darcy at darcy.everingham@apacheyouth.com

$15.00 plus $5.00 shipping for up to 10 shirts.

There is also a long sleeve T (not pictured) that can be purchased for $18.00
or Hoodie in black for $30.00

Mail Payment to:

Little Bluebird Studio

PO Box 1613

Whiteriver, AZ 85941

Hoodie in both designs available on black only

Men's T both designs available on black

Thanks for your support.

pieces of paper

2011-08-29T17:15:00.000-04:00

That is all a book is...pieces of paper bound together. I'll admit I'm not a big reader, but there are on occasion books I'll pick up and read. I mentioned in an early post that I had gotten a few books from people for support and encouragement, and I fully intend to read them all. Any bit of hope I can get I'll take it, but today's gift of a book seems to be "emotional stage appropriate" Its called, What Cancer Cannot Do. Last Thursday at my chemo education appt. I got a huge binder filled with pages of what Cancer (chemo) is going to do. Its so overwhelming when I talk to people about it I can only remember half of what it says. But today has been a good day. I got to chat with a friend I haven't seen in a while, and she brought us dinner for tonight which always lightens the burdens of the day, and her Mom sent me this new book. This afternoon Nate took the kids to their 6 month dental check up and I have quiet house to myself. So I turned my favorite direct tv music channel for a little mild modern country, so far a great line up of Taylor Swift, Rascel Flatts, and Carrie Underwood, and I began to read this book... I got to the 6th page and read the most appropriate verse for my right now.
" Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own" Matt 6:14
The chapter was even amazing it seemed to summarize what I've been feeling the last couple of weeks. Talking about how once you have cancer most of our life worries seem so trivial, and more of our worries fall to what is important in life. Living each day as if its our last. I know if you've ever been to church or seen any type of motivational speaker you've probably heard this said, and we always walk away thinking its a great idea, but I've go bills and kids and work and relationships. And yes, it all matters, but I guess from this new perspective what matters are what bills do I have to have and what can I live without, have I told my kids I loved them today or sat down and played with them, did I work hard today or just show up, and in my relationship do we fight because we love each other or do we fight because we can't forgive.

The chapter ends with this "Psalm 90:12 tells us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom. In may ways cancer is a wake up call that tells us we must stop worrying about a future that we cannot control and a past that is already behind us. It is a reminder to start thinking about what really matters. It is a mandate to boot ourselves out of the recliner of sorrow and self-pity, grab a hold of healing and get back to work. It is a mandate to love each day because no matter what it brings, God gives us this day and he will be with us in it."

I hope that even though most of you haven't had cancer to give you this perspective you will take it and do it anyway. Thanks Tiff and Connie. You are both a blessing.

Information Station

2011-08-25T20:45:00.000-04:00

What a long day. I'm not sure I would say that I gained what some would call a "wealth" of knowledge, but I gained some information today. Still trying to process it.
Let's start at the very beginning, its a very good place to start.... ~~sing with me everyone~~. As I drove to Goshen this morning I had gotten a CD from a friend with some uplifting songs, and I finally had the chance to listen to it today. They were all great songs, and I listened to the CD about 3 times through-out the day, but there was one that kind of reminded me of how I've kinda been living lately

Thank you to my friend Michelle for the CD it is doing its job! Can we say "new blog theme song"!!! Please Listen!

After I got to Goshen and wondered around Walmart a bit, I got to have lunch with my friend at South Side Soda Shop, it was good food, and great conversation. I miss my friends a lot lately and so it was a good opportunity to take my mind of the upcoming appts. Finally the inevitable was upon me, and I had to make my way to the cancer center, but it was nice to be greeted with a warm hug from my Grandma when I got there. My first appt. was an ECHO where they looked, listened and measured my heart. Nothing to hard to do, besides laying on my side, but the lady that did it made me as comfortable as she could. Next was chemo education, of course this was an easy appt, but this is where all the overwhelming information comes in. Hair loss, nausea, what not to eat, when to call, places to avoid, how long, how much, how come....and so on and so on and so on. And then... they scheduled the first treatment, which they did not schedule next week. First chemo Sept. 7th, 9:00-11:30am. In a way I'm kinda glad its not next week as they had told us because Nate and I's wedding anniversary is next week, and Hannah's birthday so I won't have to miss out on those things, but in a way I was kinda preparing myself for next week so I'm a little disappointed I have to wait longer to get this show on the road.

Finally the end of my day had arrived, and I got to end it in the best way. I got to go to a good part of the hospital where I again was greeted with a warm hug from my friend who I haven't seen in a while, and then the best part.... I got to hold a brand new...I'm talking hours old...Baby! She was sweet and smelled so good, and I was excited to get to meet her, and see another friend.

And last but not least not only is it clean sheet day, but its brand new sheet day which makes me very happy!
Thank you friends and family for the warm hugs, and good conversation, and for standing beside me when times are tough!

Post-Op...once again

2011-08-23T10:03:00.001-04:00

I have been told that writing while on vicodin may not be a good idea, and that if I start typing about butterflies and rainbows, that maybe I should put a disclaimer up first, haha! So here it is!

I just wanted to share a little about my day yesterday. As I posted previously we got to the hospital, and went to Day Surgery at 8:45am, we talked with my PA for little bit, about some small little issues I've been having, and what was going to be happening and then she showed us a port that looked like the one they would place in me... this is what it looks like

And actually I'm a little puffy where they put it but you can hardly see the bump at all. Its a little bigger then the size of a quarter. My surgeon that did my mastectomy did the port surgery also yesterday, and he was great again. I was completely awake the entire time, despite the medicine they gave me to make me a little loopy and we had a full conversation while he was working. Besides our first meeting on the day I was diagnosed he always seems so full of happiness, which eases my mind especially in situations like yesterday. The actual surgery part took only about 20-25 minutes, and I was wheeled out of the hospital about 12:30. Once I got home, I was feeling a little more pain then I really wanted so a couple of Vicodin later I was able to rest and be pretty pain free. This morning I'm feeling some pain again, but its not horrible, and my trusty pain meds are going to be helpful once I eat. Today I'm just taking it easy, but hope to be feeling good for my appts, on Thursday.

Also, I wanted to say a special thanks to S.T. for coming up and saying a prayer and sharing some nerve lightening conversation with me before my surgery. My MIL was also amazing yesterday driving me back and forth and keeping me calm while we waited, and also feeding me afterwards. Its amazing what the power of a prayer and love can do. Love to you both!

and so it begins....

2011-08-21T22:31:00.000-04:00

Port surgery tomorrow... around 10:15. Hospital check in 8:45, O.R. scheduled for 45 min, recovery time hopefully just an hour or less. Pretty scared to go back to the same place where my last surgery took place, and to be only consciously sedated this time around. I'm glad to have family, friends and prayer warriors surrounding me. And so the fight against this cancer shall begin....

Appointment Update

2011-08-19T09:10:00.000-04:00

Well, I just couldn't wait any longer for the Cancer Center to call me yesterday so I decided after I posted that I would wait until 3pm and then call them. Lucky me, they had been talking about me all day, oh boy! Never fail when our family, Nate specifically in this situation, tries to plan around things we always seem to overbook. Nate had an option of going out of town next week or the week after, and as we had been told chemo would start 4 weeks out we planned that being the first full week in Sept. so the really important appts. shouldn't be until Nate got back. WRONG! After talking to the nurse and schedulers yesterday I will be getting my port placed Monday morning, and have my echo scan and chemo education appts. on Thursday possibly also my PET scan depending on how quickly they can get the insurance per-cert. that is needed. They also told me that chemo would start the last week in August. Everything is a week earlier than expected! Yikes...so who wants to be my stand-in husband next week?!? I feel like by the end of the week-end a little break-down may make an appearance.

Frustration... it should be a stage.

2011-08-18T11:07:00.000-04:00

So we were suppose to hear from the Cancer Center, by Monday at the latest Tuesday about my next appts. We STILL have NOT. I was told if I hadn't heard something by Tuesday to give them a call Wednesday. I did just that, and the nurse said she'd get back with me sometime during the day on Wednesday. Its now Thursday morning, and I'm still waiting.....
I really hope to hear something, anything today. I'm getting more and more anxious about it the longer I wait. I feel like they have forgotten about me and in the mean time the cancer could be growing or getting worse.

As I sit here anxiously I will tell you something that gave me a little peace of mind yesterday. I don't want to burst anyone's bubble, but let me start by saying I don't believe it when people say that someone that has died is watching over us. I don't believe this because as heaven is talked about in the Bible it says once we get there, and I'm paraphrasing, we will be made new, we won't suffer or feel pain. I think that if we could see what was going on with our friends and loved ones on earth that we would suffer with empathy and hurt for them. So that being said, I feel like when people tend to believe that their loved ones are watching over them it is actually God, giving us a boost through-out our times of trouble. God knows every hair on our head, you don't think he knows what was special between you and someone that has passed away? Of course he does!

So the last time I saw my Grandpa and he was able to have a conversation with me at length before he died of cancer, he told me so much that I wish I would have had a tape recorder to remember it all. Something I do remember though was once diagnosed he began reading. My grandfather was a man of God, and had a wealth of knowledge about the Bible and religion, but at this time he began reading... reading ever thing he could get his hands on about heaven and God. I know that it gave him peace to do this, but I didn't think too much about it until now. In the last 2 days I've gotten a couple different books from people in my life, then last night Nate's Grandparents came to visit. In conversation with them they began to tell us how they are planning a move to the active living area of Greencroft Senior Center, they told us they sold their old cars and got a new one... it happened to be an HHR, the same kind of car my Grandpa drove before he died. I didn't think too much of it, lots of people drive those, and the one my Grandpa had was bright burnt orange you don't see too many of those around...well wouldn't you know it we walked them out and their HHR was the same color. At this point I had been kinda in shock...not only because of the car, but because early in the evening at dinner Parker, our oldest, had said he wanted to run a race at the local park. I had told him I didn't know anything about it, and he told me to check out this website www.runindiana.com well I hadn't had the chance yet, but if you know my son at all as soon as dinner was over he had it pulled up and ready for me to see. So in the middle of our visit with Grandpa Bob and Grandma Jo, Parker pulls me out of the room pretty rapidly and excited, like something was wrong. I came into the computer room to see my Grandpa Shank staring me in the face from the computer screen. On this website a race was ran and an honorary award in his name had been given.
Now like I said before I don't believe that this is my Grandpa giving me signs from heaven that he's watching down on me. I do believe that God is trying to give me a boost to fight the fight, and even though my Grandpa's battle ended 3-months after his diagnosis, and he knew it was terminal, he never gave up hope in God. In fact he wanted to get to as many people he could to tell them how great God was ... here is something I read at his funeral it is a conversation between him and his friend Pastor John Rohr.

Following is a summary of a phone conversation with Richard Shank on Wednesday, June 10, 2009. Richard had just discovered one week earlier that he is suffering from an aggressive form of cancer that is already affecting his mobility and could conceivably affect his brain in the near future.

Pastor John Rohr

Two days after I met with you and your dad, I discovered that I have cancer, a particularly aggressive form of cancer that is traveling up my spine. When I drove home from breakfast with you two weeks ago, that was the last time I drove a car. Since then, my mobility has lessened to the point that I will not be able to walk in the very near future.

The doctor told me that the cancer will then spread to the brain, rendering me unable to function in a thinking capacity. I am currently on pain medication, but I am careful in its use, because it is already affecting my retention of thoughts and words when I am in conversation. I want to remain lucid as long as possible because I still have so much to say to my loved ones and friends.

I am not afraid to die.

Naturally, there will be sadness when that day comes. I have worked with enough families as a chaplain to know the grief that many experience when a loved one dies. Yet I also know with the utmost assurance that when the day of my funeral arrives, I will be the lucky one, for I will be in heaven, in perfect fellowship with my Lord.

While I do not want to leave my family, I look forward to that day when I will walk the streets of heaven. Not because of someone's image of golden streets. That is not what I find attractive about heaven, but the warmth and joy of being fully in the presence of God and singing his praises. I believe that we don't have a clue to how glorious heaven is. When we reach that place of (being with) God, we will be so amazed by the reality of eternity, that we will be, forever singing the praises of God's kingdom.

That's why I want to go through these radiation treatments. I still have so much I want to say to my family and my friends and anyone else who will listen. Short of going out and stopping traffic, I want to tell as many people as I can what I have learned about what is truly important in life.

I remember several years ago talking to Ken Harrison, a local golfer who had won many awards in that sport. He had just discovered he was full of cancer, and he said to me, "Dick, do you see all those trophies? They are nothing but junk to me now. Worthless pieces of treasure that are absolutely helpless in addressing my current predicament."

That's what is on my mind now as well.

I want to help people consider the things that are filling their lives, and to tell them that most of those things, that they think they cannot live without, are worth nothing to them in light of eternity.

This is where I still have something to offer those who will listen.

You see, I have lived what one could call a successful life in the world's terms. But none of that means anything to me today. The only thing that I care about is to be at the center of God's will. Everything else is secondary to being in the presence of God.

I can honestly say that these last few years have been the most meaningful time of my life. I cannot count the number of times I have ministered to the dying, holding them in my arms as they died, never knowing my name.

Now I find myself in the same state of being, and I bear this responsibility to share what is in my heart. “God so loved me, in spite of myself, that he gave his only Son, and that believing in him, I may have

eternal life.

So today I will keep going on my Grandpa's strength, and know that God has a plan for us all. Thank you Grandpa for being so strong in your faith and giving me a little peace today, and thank you to those who continue to send cards, Bible verses, encouraging words, and prayers lifting me up so God can have His way with me.

Stage 2

2011-08-13T22:17:00.001-04:00

I think I was in 7th or 8th grade when we had a unit on Death & Dying. In this learning unit I distinctly remember 2 things. There was a field trip to a funeral home to which my Mom would not let me go because it was a funeral home in direct competition with my Grandfather's funeral home, and she said I didn't need to go because I basically grew up in the funeral business, and if I had any questions or wanted to see anything I could ask my Grandpa. The second thing I remember was learning the 5 stages of grieving:

1. Denial and Isolation
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

In retrospect it never dawned on me that these 5 stages were not only meant for the "death & dying unit". Looking at these now I see that I'm right on track, and tonight was no exception. As I was sitting in our church service I was overwhelmed with anger. Something I haven't really felt until now. I couldn't sit there for long, pretty much as soon as Nate came and sat down from being on stage I had to leave. I got up and walked out the back door (Nate was right there behind me) and crying all the way. I just feel so mad!! Mad that we're in the prime of our lives, our children are still so needing, and there is just so much life going on right now. I can accept that I have cancer, but I just wish it wasn't happening right now. Even almost every doctor we've met has the same statements, "you're so young" or "because of your age we're going to..." I know, I know... God has a plan, right? Well today I'm going to be mad at God for his plan, he's big enough he can take it. Tomorrow is a new day, maybe he and I can work things out then, but for today I'm just angry!

The higher you go, the harder you fall.

2011-08-12T11:30:00.003-04:00

Its funny how the title quote works. "The higher you go, the harder you fall" really in all aspects of life sick or healthy, rich or poor. I feel like today is one of those days. I was really happy yesterday learning there isn't going to be surgery in the near future, and I even did some shopping, but today after taking in all the upcoming appts. to be had as I stood in the bathroom straitening my hair I just lost it. All in about the last 12 hours things have started to just hit... more appts., Nate finally was able to get out of the house for work today, and is planning a business trip before chemo starts, and then I thought about losing my hair and how I want some family pictures taken before that happens, and the thought of planning all that led to thinking about I have wedding pictures that need finishing edits, and the kids start back to school Tuesday. Life is moving at a pretty steady pace, and all the sudden I have headed to the on ramp of the emotional expressway.

Nate's been working from home since surgery, and now I feel so overwhelmed when he goes anywhere, like he's my security blanket in case anything gets too overwhelming I can wrap up in him and everything will be fine. I feel like that's so horrible, kinda like a lifetime movie I saw recently where the mother made sure she knew every step her 30 year old daughter was taking and when she didn't like what was happening she'd freak out take some anxiety drugs and fake an illness or injury to manipulate her daughter into not doing anything but being with her. I don't know how the movie ended, but I'm sure it wasn't good. Thankfully I'm not that evil, but I can see how the character felt so scared and alone when the thought of her daughter having other things to occupy her time was so overwhelming. I know its not healthy to rely on him so much and honestly I've never been that type of person. I'm the wife that if I want the furniture moved or something put together. I just do it. I don't wait for my husband to help. In the past I've asked Nate if that is something he doesn't like about me, that I'm so independent, and he's always said no, but now I'm the complete opposite and feel like I am suffocating him.

I know that God is the one who gives me strength to get through each day, but it sure helps when I have Nate's strong arms to lift me up. Today I want to hide and cry, tomorrow is a new day!

The doctor is in...

2011-08-11T22:26:00.003-04:00

Got a call from my surgeon's assistant today. She said that the surgeon and pathologist both agreed they were comfortable with what had been done, and they don't think another surgery is necessary. Great words to hear, "no more surgery", but the emotions are a little different knowing that the dirty little cancer is still inside me. They are pretty confident that with chemo and radiation that microscopic piece of no good cancer will die a painful death, but as the oncologist said it would give us a little more peace of mind to know there was none there to start.

So next up.. PET scan, ECHO scan, chemo education, meeting with mind and body counselor, and dietitian, and finally about 1-1/2 to 2 weeks before chemo I will get a port inserted near the collar bone under my skin for chemo and blood draws to be easier. Then in about 4 weeks chemo begins.

Right now I'm ready for the fight, I want to get this started and kick some cancer butt, however, I know that once I'm in it, things will get a harder and I probably won't feel exactly like I do now, but I wanted to state for the record so I could be reminded when that time comes!

So today I am grateful for a ready-to-fight attitude, and no surgery. Tomorrow is another day and I will face it when I get there.

Sentence of the day!

2011-08-08T22:56:00.003-04:00

A new friend sent me a book today, I flipped it open and the first thing I read was this:

"I know God won't give me more than I can handle, I just wish he didn't trust me so much"

- Mother Teresa

Yep, that pretty much sums up my last 2 weeks!

On the front porch swing

2011-08-07T18:28:00.003-04:00

After having my drains removed last night I knew I wanted to get out of bed today at least for a little bit. So I woke up took a shower, put some real clothes on and.....went back to bed. Yep, thats right. I've had a headache since last night (still do) and with taking a shower and getting dressed I was pretty pooped. So I rested took some of my headache meds until around 4, and finally decided headache or not I was going to venture out. I made it! So I sat on the front porch for a couple hours, then decided I couldn't sit anymore I gently swept the porch and picked up a few random kid droppings, and now I am pooped again. My chest right in the middle feels like someone has piled a few bricks on it every time I take a breath. I feel pretty defeated right now... maybe I pushed I really didn't do much, but I keep thinking about the fact that the Dr. typically sends people home the day of the surgery with no restrictions other than driving, and lifting. Otherwise its life as normal. How come I can't feel "normal" after 12 days?

Some days the emotions are good, like today, and then all the sudden BAM! I feel like I'm flying down the emotional highway. All because someone walked by the house.

As a women I've always noticed if my husband glaces at another women, intentionally or not. Now that I've had my surgery and lost one of the things that attracts my husband to me its amplified times a million. Of course I know in my head he isn't looking at women because he is necessarily attracted to them, it could have been just because they walked by or came over or we're watching TV, but I'm jealous that something that I once had has been stolen from me, and that my husband can no longer be attracted to me in that way. I know there are many other things that he is attracted to, but lets face it the vast majority of men, are sexual driven. I'm not going to get real personal here, but my husband is no exception, and to feel like I'm unable to please him kills me.

So sitting on the porch today was nice, I enjoyed the fresh air and the sunshine, but seeing people out and about doing there thing was hard, it frustrates me, it hurts me, it makes me sad. I want it back, I want my normal back!

A pain in the drain!

2011-08-06T21:49:00.004-04:00

PTL!! My awesome neighbor who happens to be a PA in Ft. Wayne came over and took out my remaining two drains. (No, worries we got permission from my PA in Goshen) And to top it off she did an amazing job and I barely even felt it. I just had to write about what a good night I will have because of her kindness. I've had so much anxiety over these stupid drains this is going to make everything a little brighter! Thank you again so much Jenny you really did make my day!

On a side note, please say a prayer for Jenny as her husband will be deployed to Afghanistan in Oct. and between training and deployment there isn't much time left for their family to spend together they have 2 kids under age 5, he will be gone for a little over a year. Fighting for our country. Another ribbon another important cause!

No pain, no gain

2011-08-04T22:20:00.002-04:00

Today started off with lots of pain, and ended the same. Thankful I had two of my best friends to keep me company and keep my mind off of it for the better part of the day. Its amazing what friends can do to your day. Once the chaos had been settled with the 8 kids in the house they both came upstairs and laid in my bed to have a little tear shed with me. I haven't seen them since before my surgery so it was an emotional greeting to say the least. We were able to talk the day away, literally until their kids were more than ready to head home. It makes me remember something I learned when I was around 8 or 9 that I think has been one of the only lessons I took from my brownie troop at that time, and I've posted before, but a song about friendship the lyrics are:

Make new friends, but keep the old

One is silver and the other gold.

These two particular friends have both come into my life at different times, and when I think about that song I think yeah silver and gold are worth different things, but in regards to my friends silver and gold are both shiny and worth so much more when held on to, in my eyes priceless. So even though there was pain today there was time for friends, and reflection, laughter and encouragement. And now, is time for sleep. Thank you friends for your love and support. Its worth more than you know. I love you!

What is strong and brave?

2011-08-03T19:15:00.003-04:00

Over the last 11 days since I received my diagnosis I've been called strong, brave and even an inspiration. I appreciate those comments whole heartedly, but I'm curious what people who say this mean. Mostly because I feel like the cowardly lion, or a small child who wants to run and hide not be brave. And sometimes I'm so emotional I can't even carry my own weight I do not feel strong.

Today was a long day with all the appts. that were scheduled, a very emotional day I wanted to cower in the corner and cry mostly. Not be brave or strong. We learned more about my cancer, we learned first and foremost they did not get it all in surgery they missed as defined by the pathologist a "tiny focal" area that depending on tomorrow's case meeting with all my doctors may require another surgery. We also learned that I have a very rare type of cancer called pagents disease, which besides the lumps has several other symptoms that I was not knowingly experiencing. We learned that it will take a total of 53 treatments beginning six weeks after my last surgery 20 Chemo over a span of around 5 months and 33 radiation treatments, Mon-Fri. for 15 minutes every day until the 33 are complete, and then I will take a pill for the next 5 years as continued treatment. Once that is finished in 6 months or so I can go in for reconstruction surgery.

I was able to get 2 of the 4 drains that I have in my sides removed, which I can still feel the pain from, it was incredibly painful and at the same time I was so glad to have at least some of them out. They were my #1 drains which started clear up by my collar bone and went out the sides of me. The other drains my #2 drains are said to be under my incisions near where the bottom of my breast was...I'm told those aren't as painful but still not enjoyable to have removed.

So when I think about strong and brave I do not see myself, but I'm glad others seem to think so ~~my evil plan is working.~~

The road ahead is long, and frankly scary as hell from what I imagine hell to be. Its kinda lonely, and dark, but I've got a match and I feel like there are people with lanterns along the way, its just going to take me one step at a time and to find them, and to realize at the end of the night the "son" has never failed to rise again. Its just sometimes easier said then done. So thank you friends and family for your encouragement. Please Please don't let it stop because I'm still searching for you all one step at a time.

Some answers

2011-08-02T16:49:00.003-04:00

6 days post-op and the waiting was just too much. Nate and I called the PA today at the surgeon's office to see if they had the pathology report. To our surprise they did, and Candace the PA for Dr. Henry seemed to be very forth coming with all the results. They found NO CANCER in the left breast or lymph node they took from the left side. PTL! On the right side however, where we already knew the cancer was they took out a total of 17 lymph nodes and found cancer in 2. It was described to us in this way... My body in this case my breast and the blood stream closest to it (in the arm pit essentially) is the high way and the cancer was in my breast, and got on the high way (into 2 lymph nodes). Which means it could possibly be somewhere else they don't know how far down the highway it got. They did tell us regardless the treatment wouldn't change. The next step most likely after recovery will be another surgery to place a port under the skin and to begin chemo. We meet tomorrow with the radiation doc for his/her recommendation at 10 am, then with a Naturopathic doc at 1, the surgeon's PA for post-op exam at 2, and the oncologist who will confirm chemo and/or radiation treatments at 2:30.

During our talk with Candace she said the pathology report said I was a grade 3 and in her best educated guess my cancer is Stage 2 which could change depending on just how fast the cancer was driving down that highway. If its in other places then it could change to a higher stage, and if its not as bad it could change to lower stage. Of course our prayers are for it to just be in the lymph node and no where else, but the reality we must face is it could be somewhere else. The chemo and radiation will be very aggressive and hopefully take care of that. More scans and test will be done along the way to see how I'm progressing.

So looking at the bright side of things Praise God for no cancer on the left side. Today I'm thankful for clean sheets on my bed (and lots of other things that got done), a nutter butter blizzard, and continued prayers on my behalf.

And I survived

2011-08-01T12:34:00.005-04:00

When I was younger in the front seat I stood

looking through the glass peering over the hood

no child restraint or safety seat I wanted to stand

happy and free.

And I survived

A little bit older not much wiser in years

I swam at the city pool

not with Mom just my peers

And I survived

We'd play out all day from morning to night

drank from the hose and riding our bikes

no helmet no water bottles we didn't need much

just the sidewalk, our friends some dirt and dust

And I survived

As I grew more things I thought that I knew

I wanted to go tell that girl a thing or two

I didn't look both ways on that one way street

In the blink of an eye that car swept me off my feet

And I survived

Heartaches and Heartbreaks soon came to pass

Each time feeling something like shattered glass

And I survived

Then he came along and swept me off my feet

a house and a baby we were almost complete

then came 2, 3 and #4

all with little pain meds, but nothing more

And I survived

Our days were longer and the nights not so much

but life was a blessing we have been blessed with so much

Then on that hot afternoon in July

the words I couldn't imagine were floating right by

The Doctor said no worries we've got great care

but most likely you, in time, will lose your hair

not to mention your breast, and I couldn't stand up

I leaned over to cry on his strong chest

This journey has only begun

such a long road to travel

but prayers to the great One

by his believers have unraveled

He holds me now as I can't stand on my own

and my family in Him stands strong in my home.

The story has not ended, no not everything has been said.

I want it to finish with three words you have read

Happy highs and Lousy Lows

2011-08-01T09:54:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was a great day. Although I didn't sleep at all, I had a total of 7 people come to visit. It made me happy to see everyone and I even had some comic relief with our cousin Denise and her husband.

Soon enough though everyone went home, and I had taken my last pain pill at 1pm, the house was dark and the tears were hot. As I began to rethink the events of the day the kid came home, that was good, but my oldest daughter (7) and youngest son (4), who are two peas in a pod were curious, and rightfully so. Hannah couldn't find the words to describe so she said I looked "young". Maxwell wanted to see where they "cut" me. I let him. He later told Nate that "the doctors cut off Mommy's boobies and made them black" referring to the incision site. He and Caedence both were curious to see the drains and where they went in, and what was coming out. I didn't really want them to see those, but inevitably I couldn't keep them hidden forever.

As I was reviewing all of this in my head, laying alone in my bed, the tears began to flow hot and heavy. The thoughts of no longer having breast began to sink in a little, and the fears of how the kids will react to the hair loss when the time comes for that.

Also, around the same time I had started to feel some discomfort. I tried taking one of my milder pain pills but it just gives me hives so it wasn't helping, and I was and am still feeling strange sensations where my breast once were. Sometimes vibrations, sometimes like a drip of water is running down my chest, and worst of all last night was a cold knife like sensation across the incision site. My arms are beginning to get some feeling back too and its like the feeling when your foot falls asleep and its just starting to wake up, when you feel as if you want to jump out of your skin when it touches anything.

As I began to feel each new thing I was thinking back to Wednesday and how I felt like a 5 year old when I was wheeled into the operating room. How big and scary it was, and how there were so many people with masks on as they began to call out my name, birth date, and what surgery I was about to have. It was all like a scary nightmare I'm glad the anesthesia worked quickly once I got in there.

All of these feelings combined were too much I just had to cry and cry, but today is a new day. I've got a new bottle of the pain pills that work and am about to get a shower, one of the high-lights of my day. I look forward to the encouraging words I will receive today, and sounds of laughter from my children.

make-up and contacts

2011-07-31T11:00:00.002-04:00

Putting on a brave face for my kids as they return home today. I know they will be able to see the physical difference by just looking at me so I wanted to look as otherwise normal as possible. I'm so worried about them worrying. I think as each new person has visited that I haven't seen since the surgery I cry at least once, so I know my emotions can come out at anytime so I just want to seem as fine as I can when my kids get home. Obviously Mommy being in bed all day everyday isn't normal, and when I saw them last I hid all of my drains and chest. Today I put on some make up put my contacts in and did my hair to the best of my ability. I hope they can get past this I will do everything in my power to make this time for them as normal as possible.

I'm still so sleepy today. I haven't taken anything for pain yet today, but am having a little. Since this whole surgery in itself is new to me I didn't realize I'd still be so tired after so many days.

The days are running together...

2011-07-30T11:43:00.002-04:00

Today I woke up hungry a new feeling that I haven't had for the last week or so. My sweet husband got me some watermelon and sprite for breakfast, the new breakfast of champion's in this house. It tasted good sweet and crisp. It was shower time so once again my sweet husband got me undressed and helped me into the shower, where he slowly washed my hair, and my skin. The smell of clean is refreshing and the sleepy feeling I have from the nausea meds made me unknowingly rest my head so far down as he massaged I ended up laying on his chest. Once clean and dry he carefully changed my bandages and dressed me. His step-dad was waiting to visit so we visited with him for a while, and then I chatted on the phone with my Mom. Now as I lay here, still sleepy my chest throbs with tightness, I can sometime feel a cold or wet sensation where my breast once were. I still have not had the courage to look at myself in front of a mirror without clothes. I keep thinking that I should have done that by now, and the longer I wait the harder it will be. I can already see the flatness of what was once full, and dread my first public appearance in which I anticipate a lot of emotion.

As we have started this journey it makes us so aware that the people we pass daily could be going through something. As I prepared for my surgery with a trip to walmart I keep seeing people walk by me doing their normal life things thinking... "don't they know, don't I look sick, can't they tell?" of course not, of course they have no idea, but I will. I will make myself more open to seeing the hurt and pain in peoples eyes to make myself more aware and ask how someones day is with meaning and real curiosity rather then just trying to make conversation.

Thank you again to those who have continued to be a support to our family as we walk this road. I can not thank you all personally there are so many, but please know I am reading every comment, email and facebook post daily and they really are keeping me going as I lay here recovering.

A day not soon forgotten

2011-07-29T10:27:00.002-04:00

6:00am - go up got ready to go to the hospital

7:00am - left for Goshen

8:00am - arrived at the hospital and went to day surgery

8:15am - undressed, gowned and being prepped for surgery

8:45am - Family friend from ROCC came up to pray with us

9:15am - nuclear medicine injected into both left and right breast to light up suspicious lymph nodes.

9:30am - wheeled down for surgery

9:34am - anesthetic administered

9:56 am - surgery started

3:00 pm - surgery complete and taken to recovery

4:00pm -wheeled to my room for the 24 hours.

The ride to the hospital was long and pretty quite. Once we arrived to the hospital the questions began to roll in... name, birth date, allergies, do you have to use the restroom, I was waiting on which door are you parked closest to so you can run out of here the fastest? Once they were able to get my IV started things began to move pretty rapidly. I think I saw every second on the clock tick by as people trickled in doing their thing. Shortly after our friend from our church in goshen came up and prayed with us two nurses came and one at a time injected a dose of nuclear medicine under each areola first the left and then the right and massaged each. The pain was extremely intense. About 15 minutes after that I kissed Nate goodbye and cried as they rolled me down the long hallway. The operating room was intense. I've seen them on TV but never actually been in one. They wheeled me in asked me to transfer beds, the anesthesiologist injected some medicine I looked at the clock and that's the last thing I remember. The next thing I knew I was semi awake, and surrounded by nurses who were asking me more questions. The first thing I remembered was I forgot to add my Grandpa to the list of people Nate was suppose to call. One of the nurses (a lady who knew us from our Goshen church) was there throughout the whole process updating Nate and my family and I asked her if she could please tell Nate to call my Grandpa, she said he was already in the waiting room, and that my best friend Carrie was there, as long as she could be, but had to leave to catch a flight. Ironically later I found out that the Dr.'s assistant had missed the surgery because she had just found out her best friend had breast cancer, and had jumped in her car to go be with her as she begins her battle. After a couple short conversations with the recovery nurses I was taken to my room which I don't remember and had several visitors as I was in and out of consciousness. The night was long, filled with nausea and vomiting, pain and trying to get comfortable. My roommate with up crying or snoring all night and I just couldn't handle listening to her so I had the TV on all night. I was up about every hour going to the bathroom. The nurses were helpful even as busy as they seemed.

The ride home yesterday was long and painful, but the journey ahead is going to be longer. Before leaving the hospital I was scheduled 6 or 7 appts. for the next 2 weeks. I'm still overwhelmed with emotions of not knowing exactly how bad this is, and also with all the love and support of everyone around us. My family is being taken care of and I'm so grateful for that, but I'm still in a fog and of course a lot of pain.

2011-07-27T06:50:00.001-04:00

Today I'm scared. I couldn't sleep, and all I can think about everything and nothing at the same time. Here goes everything....

From one Wednesday to the next

2011-07-26T21:56:00.002-04:00

After speaking with the Dr. this morning we decided to go ahead with surgery tomorrow morning. He has me scheduled to go in at 9:30am for a bilateral mastectomy. Last Wednesday at that time in the morning I was preparing myself to leave for my biopsy which also was my very first semi-surgical procedure. So not only will this be the first time I've been admitted to the hospital for something other then giving natural birth to my children, but it will be the first time EVER that I have had surgery. I have cried so much over the last 5 days, that I don't know where the tears can possibly come from and yet they still flow hot and heavy.

The reality of this is tomorrow afternoon I will no longer have breast, and yet I can not even imagine what that will be like. I don't know how I will feel either emotional or physically. I don't know what it will look like, and lately all I can say is "I don't know".

I am so grateful for the support, and yet feel so unworthy. My family, friends, and churches have all rallied around me, offered prayer and support, encouraging and comforting words and Bible verses. A person couldn't possibly feel more loved, and alone at the same time.

The details of tomorrow are as follows I will be admitted to day surgery at Goshen Hospital at 8 am, and be prepped for surgery around 8:30. The doctor said the surgery will be around 3 to 4 hours long, and I may leave that evening, but I may be staying one night depending on how I do.

Thank you all again for your support it is much needed and appreciated now and in the weeks and months to come.

What If....

2011-07-26T10:58:00.003-04:00

Just some emotions for now...

What if its more than just the breast?
What if it hurts too bad?
What if I don't make it through surgery?
What if I do?
What if it comes back?
What if I am not strong enough?
What if I can't stop crying?
What if he looks at me differently?
What if I don't feel beautiful?
What if they are afraid of their Mommy?
What if they have nightmares and I caused them?
What if she dreads her birthday due to the memories?
What if it never goes away?

MRI

2011-07-25T19:11:00.005-04:00

Had my MRI today, this will likely tell us what stage the cancer is, and it will tell us how big the tumor is, and also if there is any areas of concern in my left breast. I am about 85% sure we are going to choose to do a bi-lateral masectomy so that I don't spend my days worrying about having to go through this again regardless of what the MRI results say, and my booby buddy Dr. Henry said that would be completely my choice. Unfortunately he called this evening with my results, but we were not home yet, and when we tried calling him right back he had already left the office for the evening. We should know by tomorrow morning when surgery will be scheduled.

The MRI wasn't too bad I wasn't really concerned that it would be, and I only cried once while at the hospital today.

Details

2011-07-24T08:12:00.004-04:00

Its been a couple of days, and there are so many emotions going on inside. I'm not sure I can even put them into words so I will just go with the details of Friday.

On Thursday the nurse from Fairhaven called after office hours, and scheduled me with my Dr. who wasn't even in the office on Friday for 1:45. I figured something was up, but tried not to assume the worst. On Friday we met with Dr. Simon my GYN. He came in shook my hand and said, "You aren't worried are you?" For about a minute I felt a little better. We moved to a conference room where he began... "Well" he said, "we have a couple of options. We have you scheduled with 2 doctors who deal with breast cancer." WHAT? WAIT? What did you say??? Was all that was running through my mind. He proceeded to tell us that they scheduled us with a Dr. in Ft. Wayne and one in Goshen so we had the option of where we wanted to go. We left the office to discuss the options, the last thing I remember was Nate asking if I was ok, and then just feeling hot tears and lack of breath, and going weak in the knees.

We drove around Goshen for a bit, to try and comprehend, and make a wise decision about what doctor to see. We decided to stay in Goshen because 1. that doctor could see me at 3:30 and 2. our family and support system is mostly there.

3:30pm - We met with Dr. Henry at The Retreat. He first went over my medical history, and then took us to an exam room where he did a brief exam. For the next hour he talked about 5 basic steps of what we are facing, and answered some of our questions. He informed us that because there are 2 spots, and several other suspicious looking areas his recommendation is a complete mastectomy of the right side. He scheduled an MRI for this coming Monday afternoon at 2pm, and said surgery could take place as early as this week if we choose. The MRI will let us know how big the cancer is and if there is anything suspicious on the left said that would maybe prompt us to do a complete bi-lateral mastectomy (meaning taking off both breast), also if it has spread anywhere else beyond the breast such as the lungs or chest. He informed us of all the risks and statistics, and talked to us about also meeting with a plastic surgeon who would also be involved in the initial removal surgery if we choose to do reconstruction. In which case surgery would not take place until sometime after Aug. 8th. He also talked to us about Chemo and radiation, neither of which has been determined that I need, but he said most likely chemo will be in my future, and we will meet with an Oncologist to discuss that after surgery. One other thing we learned we will have to make a decision on is genetic testing to see if I am a gene carrier and if my children and siblings are at a higher risk because of that. He told us that one of the down falls of doing that is insurance companies will drop us or put us on really high rates, and it will follow us and our kids forever. There are many advantages to it, however, but I don't really remember what he said. We were not given a stage of the cancer nor was it even mentioned. I don't know if that is because the doctor doesn't know yet or if it just was not mentioned.
There were so many other things talked about in that room on Friday I was in and out of reality and tears and even woke up Saturday thinking about what a bad dream I had. In the days, weeks and months to come the nightmare is only going to get worse I can imagine. I've always said, "I can't imagine how people who have cancer deal with it" the fact of it is I still can't even wrap my brain around how people deal with this. I cry uncontrollably for a while, and then go on being ok for a minute. No one can prepare you or be prepared for something like this. I can't help but think about the worst outcome. I'm not yet ready to be optimistic.

The Diagnosis

2011-07-23T08:55:00.002-04:00

I haven't been able to put the events of yesterday into words without overwhelming emotion so this post will be short until I can take it all in and process the diagnosis of cancer.

The Call...

2011-07-21T23:19:00.004-04:00

My OB/GYN's office called tonight . They have my results and my Dr. would like to see me before the weekend to go over them....

Human Pin Cusion

2011-07-20T19:48:00.003-04:00

Have you ever seen a movie where the Dr. comes in and says, "now this won't hurt a bit" as he pulls out the longest needle in the world and the camera comes in for a close up? Well today's experience was nothing like that! The long needle came in from behind and hurt like well....H.E. double hockey sticks! After a few moments of digging around in the side of my breast this loud sound similar to the sound of an electric sliding van door x10 came from my side and searing pain ensued. If you are about to get a biopsy please know this isn't normal. The doctor stopped and gave me some more anestetic, but the pain was pretty intense at that point. He quickly finished, and then the nurse prepared new sterile instruments for the next biopsy. That one started out much the same, but before the pain got too bad the doctor hit me with more direct anestitic. Shortly after that he began taking out the samples that he needed at this point it wasn't as bad, but suddenly I became severly nausous and light headed. Thankfully the doctor could see I wasn't doing too well and finished up and got me feeling a little better. After laying there for another 15 minutes I was taken in to get another mammogram. During the biopsy they put small clips in my breast at the spots they biopsied so they could note them on a mammogram. Let me tell you...that was not very exciting as well as also painful. So here it is 8 pm around 5 hours later. I'm still in some pain when I move and already slightly bruised. I hope to have some results by Friday...until then!

Thursday July, 14th Appt.

2011-07-15T23:24:00.004-04:00

Sorry to those who have checked in to find no update. Its been an extreamly busy 24 hours. I left our house Thursday at 11am dropped the kids off to Grandma, headed to my appt., had a couple hours to hang out with my best friend, then headed to the evening visitation for Nate's cousin Amy. We stayed in Goshen Thursday night, Nate was up most of the night throwing up or trying to tolerate his pains with moans and groans. I got up this morning went to Amy's funeral, family dinner, got Nate situated with some help with the kids, went on a photo shoot, and then picked my sister up from her week at church camp. Headed to Syracuse got the kids, took everyone home, and started cleaning. Ok take a breath... I finally am!

So back to Thursday. I went to the Retreat in Goshen, for those of you who don't know its a Women's Health Care facility affiliated with IU Health Center of Goshen (formaly Goshen General Hospital), I met my best friend there who came along for emotional support and later comic relief. After being checked in we were escorted back to a changing room where I got to put on a purple wonder girl cape, and then moved into the Mammogram room. They took 2 normal pictures of each breast, and then 3 magnified pictures of the one with the lumps. The technician reviewed them on the spot and then escorted me to the ultra sound room, where the US tech did an ultra sound of both lumps. The doctor in the office then came in a did his own ultra sound of each lump. I was pretty surprised to learn the results of both test immediately, although not very explanitory. Dr. W explained to me that both lumps are undeterminable meaning they can not determine if they are fibrocystic or cancerous by either mammogram or ultra sound...his recomendation is an ultrasonic biopsy on both lumps. I was able to schedule that this morning for next Wednesday afternoon.
To my understanding they will cut a 1/4" opening into me where each lump is, then they will stick in a small straw of sorts, take out a piece of each lump, then place a clip the size of a pin head on each spot they biopsy, after which they will do another mammogram. The clip is placed so that when they do the mammogram they can clearly see each spot that was biopsied. In approximately 3 days after the biopsy they will know the results and then we ill go from there.

Thankfully we have had plently of help up to this point with kids, and everything, but I would ask that you continue to pray for the people that are rearranging their daily lives to help us. Nate is much closer to being a canidate for surgery he has struggled a lot this week with his Crohn's. After testing on Wednesday the GI Doc. wanted to see him right away, after recommending his meds be doubled, and added to he informed Nate that his Crohn's is very progressive. We both know the importance of taking care of ourselves, but a lot of times its out-weighed by the other 4 lives we are in charge of taking care of...we couldn't be more thankful to our family and friends for picking up the slack right now while we get both of our health situations under control.

Spell check isn't working tonight so forgive me for my sleepy errors. More news next week.

One little thing...

2011-07-13T12:36:00.002-04:00

Sometimes you're going along in your day and one little thing can ruin it. Today that was a phone message. I got a message from The Retreat reminding me of my appt. tomorrow, all the sudden I'm emotional, and just this morning I was thinking to myself, "Wow I'm handling this really well this week." Wrong again.

I guess keeping myself busy only delays the inevitable.

Its been a long week and to think its only Wednesday.

Nate had a follow-up appt. yesterday for his Crohn's. His medicine hasn't been helping so the doctor wants to try something new for a while, but if that doesn't help he ultimately suggested surgery which will put Nate out for at least 6 weeks if that happens. Today he had another barium test at the hospital to check for inflammation, and a blood test to check on a few other things.

Also, last night Nate's cousin Amy passed away. She was 40 years young, and had several complications with liver and kidney failure.

And on Monday night.... I found another lump on the same side in a different area. Thankful that I go in tomorrow for my Mammogram and ultra sound, but at the same time its a hurry up and wait situation so I won't know anything for a while after that. I'm guessing not till August 1st when I meet with the surgeon.

I guess its a poor me kinda day... taking the kids to the pool to get out of the house for a while, and then DATE NIGHT!! I can't wait! More later on my appt. tomorrow...

A new test

2011-07-07T18:12:00.005-04:00

WOW! Its been over two years since I've sat down to write here. I decided to start writing again to keep a journal of the next couple of months as a reminder that this too shall pass.

We've been doing the same old things since I wrote last kids are a little older, and mouthier, we're about 15 months from having all elementary school kids. In the coming fall Max will be at preschool 3 mornings a week, and the other 3 will be in school all day every day. I can't believe that my time of being a "stay-at-home-Mom with kids" is coming to an end. Obviously I know that they'll only be gone 6 hours a day once they're all in full day school, but it seems like just yesterday we moved to Columbia City and celebrated Max's 2nd birthday, and I had 3 kids still at home all day. The longing for another baby only continues to get stronger, and grow more tension between Nate and I.

In January, we experienced a new chapter in our lives as Nate was diagnosed with Crohn's Disease. We are still learning to live with that and it continues to be a challenge, but we deal with it day by day. I am lovingly now being referred to as his "Food Nazi".

So going back to the title of this blog...other than the day to day challenges of life, I have a new challenge to endure at least for the next couple months. On Tuesday June 21st, as Nate and I were doing our usual "breathing relief" from the day, after the kids have gone to bed I began a random thought about the last time I had seen my OB/GYN since I typically go in the summer and having another baby is frequently on my mind. It had been a year and I knew I needed to get my appt. scheduled so I could get in before too long. In thinking that I thought again I really haven't done a self breast check in a while. The last thing I was thinking is that it would turn out as anything other than normal. It did I found a lump...about the size of a quarter..."how could I have missed this? Its HUGE!!" was my next thought. I immediately told Nate, and then did what any wife would... I made him feel it, duh!
Consumed with the thought for the next 15 hours, as soon as I got the courage, I called the doctor. Still playing it off calmly I tried to make a yearly physical appt., but when the receptionist couldn't get me in until mid August I thought I better tell her the real reason I was calling. She said, "we need to see you right away"...dreaded words, she booked me for 3:30pm that day an hour and half from the time I called. God provided...I was only 20 minutes from the office rather than being at home and an hour away, and my father-in-law graciously offered to watch all 4 kids without hesitation.
I made it to my appt. with plenty of time to spare. The doctor did his check, and confirmed what I had felt the previous evening. He said he'd like to see me in a couple weeks after my menstrual cycle had gone, and said, "its probably fibrocystic, and will go away after your cycle...". I felt the stupid lump for the next two weeks. Everyday!
So yesterday, July 6th was my 2 week re-check and yearly, lumps still there, same size, no pain. I've been referred to The Retreat in Goshen on July 14th for a Mammogram...at age 32 and 4 months to the day! My doctor said they probably won't see anything on the mammogram even though we know the lump is there because my breast tissue is too young, and dense, which is why they do them normally on women over 40, and that most likely they'll also do an ultra sound also. Those results will then be passed along to a surgeon in Goshen who I have an appt. with Aug 1st, where she'll either perform a biopsy or schedule one for a later date.
So I probably won't write again until the next appt., but that's the latest. I'm not scared, however, worried and a little stressed due to all the appts., childcare arrangements, financial cost, and other factors that go along with any health issue. I have been thinking more about will prep, and seeing more pink ribbons then I've ever noticed. I trust God has a plan and that it will not be more than I can endure. I pray for all the people who this will affect, that they have the strength to stand with me if and when I cannot stand on my own.
Thanks for reading, I hope to have nothing more serious to report in the next couple months.

Happy Sumer Vacation from Parker

2009-05-18T18:58:00.003-04:00

Hello to all my friends at Prairie View! Hope you like the video.

-Parker

Welcome Back to Blogging

2009-03-20T12:12:00.003-04:00

So its now 2009, and I can't believe its been since November that I have blogged.

The big news which is kinda old news by now. We sold our house 2 days before Christmas, a huge surprise, and amongst family visiting and Christmas celebrations we bought a new house the week after Christmas in Columbia City, Indiana! It was a whirlwind of a holiday and winter, and here it is the first day of Spring already.
While the winter pretty much flew by for us with selling, buying, and moving amongst the holidays we are more than ready for Spring and the kids are driving me nuts as usually at this time of year. Our draw backs we know no one in our new town and we have no yard to play in... well we have a yard, but it has no grass yet. On the up side there seems to be things to do here, Parker is signed up for Lob Ball to begin next month, and Caedence will most likely be taking a tumbling class. Hannah wants to play soccer, but we have not yet found a league for that.

In other news.... I turned 30 last Saturday, and while of course I don't feel different then I did last Friday 30 is a bit scary and makes me feel old. Maxwell along with Owen Hoogenboom will be turning 2 on Sunday! I can't believe it. They are growing so fast, and while we don't see Owen as much as we'd like, we have been informed that his Grandma doesn't live far from us now so we may be able to have a play date or two over the summer. Have a Happy Birthday Owen!

Coming soon... this fall I will have 3 kids in school on 3 afternoons during the week and only Max at home... that should be interesting. I'm sure I will have a moment to get back into the blogging scene by then. What do you do with only 1 kid?!?!

Almost the most wonderful time of the year

2008-11-18T12:34:00.003-05:00

Well its Novemeber 2008! Can you believe it? We had our first snow yesterday and the kids couldn't wait to go out and play...

YEP! Even after I said "no" they went out anyhow. Parker built a snowman head, and Hannah made snowballs! It wasn't too bad I guess, but when you have other kids that can't really go out its just doesn't seem fair to let some go, and make some stay in. I guess that may be some thing that will stay the same for them in life for a while.

I've gotten most of my Christmas shopping done which I am glad for, but my fear of doing it early, and having things that I buy go on sale later has already come true. Don't get me wrong a couple bucks is no big deal, but when its 15, 20, or 30 dollars cheaper then I paid that makes me a little upset. I think I've gotten the big items taken care of that went on sale, thanks to my wonderful MIL who is a manager at Walmart and can work her magic for me.

Other then the holidays and our hectic family schedules approaching faster and faster there isn't much new happening here. Nate is looking at a promotion at work which is great for him, and us in the long run, but we still haven't sold our house so it means more hours of him being away until we do so, unfortunately. I'm ready for this house selling business to be done, but with the combination of winter, and the holidays on the way along with the horrible market for house sellers it doesn't look like it will happen anytime soon. So I guess I need to just listen to the Lord and "have some patience", I know he has to be screaming that at me daily because I lack them more then anything when it comes to waiting on life's answers. I just have to keep reminding myself everything happens in his time.

And now its been even longer.

2008-09-30T15:11:00.005-04:00

In the last 3 months things have changed a lot... I can't believe I haven't written anything in that long. I guess my time on the computer has been consumed with other things. My new addiction Facebook, and making sure things are up-to-date and the word is being spread about our house. Yes, that's right its finally for sale. We put it up July 4th in hopes that all the traffic around the neighborhood due to the airshow would generate some interest. "What happened?", you ask. 2 other neighbors also put their houses up for sale that same week. One of which sold 3 weeks later and the other hasn't had much traffic that I've noticed. So here it is September 3oth and we still haven't sold. We were told that 6 months is average so I guess I'm ok with where we are at in progress. We had 6 showings in the first 7 weeks and one since then, which we thought we had sold to the last buyer, but it turned out they weren't exactly sure what they wanted to do. So this week we bought an MLS number. Yes, you can do that without hiring a realtor. We had the house up by Friday on the MLS and Monday morning I received our first call for a showing on Wednesday.
I am a person who believes in signs from God... he has to do that for me otherwise I am so consumed with life, that I miss a lot. So early on Monday morning I posted my thoughts on Facebook as follows "Heather is confidant that God will provide a buyer for her house in Oct., please pray for them!" Two hours later I received the call from the realtor who wants to show our house on OCTOBER 1st. God is powerful and in control, and I am not saying that our showing on Wednesday is going to be the last, but God can move mountains and I don't doubt he can sell our house to this person if it is his timing.
Other then house selling we've celebrated 3 birthdays since I last posted. I wanted so bad to write about the year long process of planning Nate's surprise party, but knowing him it'd be one of the few times that he'd read my blog so I couldn't until now. I started last July thinking about Nate's birthday it was his 30th so I wanted to make it really special. I talked with his Mom about doing it at the lake and seeing if she could work her magic and strike a deal with the owner of the Frog Tavern and also the S.S. Lilypad. Well she did. I invited around 120 people and no one blew the surprise. Nate showed up a few minutes late to my surprise, but all was ready and he was shocked to say the least. Not so much that I had thrown him a party, but more that I could plan and invite so many people without him having any knowledge for a year. I am not the best secret keeper. To my dismay a lot of people that I had really hoped would be there were unable to attend, but we still had about 50-60 show for a 2 hour tour around Lake Wawasee, cake, and snacks. We continued the party by staying at the lake for the night with Jonna, Jon, Carly, and family and enjoyed a nice relaxing weekend.
The next weekend Caedence turned 3 and thankfully my Grandparents hosted that party since I had so much going on for Nate's I needed a bit of a break. Her theme was Curious George and a day at the beach.
September brought Hannah's 5th birthday along with her first day fo school. We had a princess party and went to Chuck E. Cheese to celebrate and play.

Now school has been in full swing for almost 2 months for Parker and a month for Hannah. We are looking forward to moving soon provided God allows and starting life in a new area. Neither Nate or I have ever lived out of Goshen, except for a short 13 month period of time when I moved to Illinois with my parents at age 5. Its scary and exciting all at the same time. We pray the kids will adjust well, and my prayer is that we find a home to suit our family, budget, and that we can stay in for an extended period of time and grow our children.

Thats the update for now. Hope to write more soon, and to say SOLD!!!

Wow its been a while...

2008-06-23T08:37:00.003-04:00

I was checking out my blog and others today, and realized its been almost 2 months since I've posted anything. Its been a busy month with Parker being home for the summer I am trying to keep the kids busy so they aren't at each other constantly, although it hasn't helped much. It does seem like we've been going and going though.
We went on a mini vacation last week to The Great Wolf Lodge it was a lot of fun for us all. I would recommend it to any family or couple. Its pretty much an all inclusive hotel there is plenty to do for a 3-4 day stay without ever leaving. We went to the one in Traverse City, MI and even though it was a 4.5 hour drive the kids were asking to go back the next day. There wasn't much complaining the whole trip we even took an extra kid (my lil' sis) for an extra pair of hands and to give her something fun to do over her summer vacation. So I can honestly say at least from ages 1-29 everyone can enjoy this place.
We have a couple birthdays coming up next month that we will celebrate. We kick off the month with my niece, then my nephew, then my brother-in-law, then my hubby, and then Caedy to end out the month. July is a busy birthday month for us luckily I only have to plan something for 2 of the birthdays. Caedence has decided she would like a Curious George birthday party this year, and Nate will celebrate his 30th so I am sure we'll do something special. So far we've planned for a baby-sitter so Mommy and Daddy can take boat ride, and lunch or dinner together. Nate will be taking a few days off the week of his birthday so I'm thinking maybe we can get a special trip in or something fun.
Other then that we are just enjoying summer, and trying to let the kids do some fun things. Parker just finished up t-ball and is half way through golf for the summer with his 1st tournament this Wednesday at 7:45 in the am.... ugh, thankfully I don't have to take him. Basketball camp starts soon and then soccer camp which both Parker and Hannah will be attending this year.
Oh I almost forgot... we moved Max into Parker's room yesterday. I think Nate and I were both more than ready, but I didn't feel it was fair for Parker during school as Max still wakes up and fusses quite a bit when he can't find his pacifier in the night, but since there isn't much to get up for these days I thought it would be ok. Last night went alright Max woke up 3 times, but it didn't seem to bother Parker a bit. Yeah, we finally have our room back! I'm thrilled.

A special shout out to my girls Michelle, Dana and Rachelle... today is Dana and Michelle's birthday, wooohooo, and Rachelle is giving birth to her baby girl today.
Happy Birthday to you all! I wish you a great day.

The sweetest kind of love

2008-05-08T09:38:00.003-04:00

"If only I had my camera." I don't know how many times a week I say that, and last night was one of those moments. Once again Hannah was being punished for talking back and not listening, and so I made her stand with her nose to the wall. After what seemed like forever of her of crying I look over (she's still crying....loudly) Max has his hands wrapped around her waist and is laying his head on her back... after a few minutes of that he starts rubbing her back from butt all the way up to as far as he could reach on her head. It was so sweet... he really adores her, and she is good with him... I just wish she was as good with me. Maybe I should teach him to discipline her... she might listen to him.

A year gone by all too fast.

2008-03-24T08:30:00.005-04:00

This last year has flown by unlike the last week I've had so many things to prepare for, but now that I've finally got a moment to sit and reflect on all that has changed I can't believe my eyes. On Saturday we celebrated Max's 1st birthday...wow! I can't believe he is one already. Not only is he one, but he has been walking for over 2 months and getting into everything of course. He's saying a couple words, and of course never fail wasn't feeling the greatest on his birthday because he is teething again. On Sunday we celebrated Easter, Max's second, but this year it came one day after his birthday rather then 3 weeks. I've posted pictures of last year and this year just to be able to compare and see how much has changed. All in all we've had an exhausting year of events, but most of them seem like yesterday. One other thing we had this weekend was a milestone. Its the first time in 5 years I haven't been pregnant at my child's 1st birthday party, and the longest time in the last 5 years that I've gone without being pregnant! I'm looking forward to spending this next year with Max seeing some of the things I missed with the others due to pregnancy, and being able to get out this summer for the first time in a long time without being nauseated or enormous!

Easter 08'

Easter 07'

The Birthday Boy!

Am I turning into my Mother?

2008-03-20T21:03:00.003-04:00

Here is a conversation that I had with my oldest son tonight. He took some gum from my purse and when I asked who had the gum he didn't reply, and the girls told me they didn't have any. Later he finally confessed he has taken the gum...
Parker: Ok, Mom I do have gum
Me: Yes Parker, I know
Parker: How did you know?
Me: Because I know everything
Parker: no you don't
Me: Yes I do
Parker: No Mommy no one knows everything
Me: I do
Parker: there is only one person who knows everything
Me: who's that?
Parker: God
Me: Well, who do you think made Mommy?
Parker: God.
Me: well then don't you think if he knows everything and he made me that I know everything
Parker: no, you only know some things
Me: nope I know everything like when you take gum and don't tell me... I always know...
Parker: Oh....(silence)...well you still don't know everything.
Me: Yes I do and someday when you get older you'll know that I know everything!
Yes, folks this is when I could hear it loud and clear... MY MOTHER... she jumped into my body and her words came right out of my mouth...

You can run, but you can't hide!

2008-03-02T19:15:00.001-05:00

Well its finally made its way to our house...I thought we might have been able to steer clear of it this year, but no it found us like a cowering animal hiding from its predator in the middle of the night...except it came in the middle of the day. The day that I agreed to have family from out of town come, and stay the night, the day I agreed to watch 6 children under 6 by myself, and the weekend that I agreed to host a Stamping party. If found us, rather it found my 11 month old, and then my 4 year old, and we wonder who might be next. It really doesn't matter now though because its here and its here to stay... at least for the week, hopefully not longer because it is not a welcome house guest. Not here, not anywhere. What I can't figure out is how does it find an 11 month old who spends most of his time in the house hidden, as oppose to the other people that freely leave the house daily who it hasn't seem to bother yet? I'll tell you what next year I am making sure we are well hidden and it WILL NOT find us. What is it you are asking if you haven't guessed yet. The nasty, no good, rotten, yucky, icky, unwelcome FLU!!!

You can't win...

2008-02-03T21:41:00.000-05:00

So its been about a month since I started exercising. I've wanted to lose weight since baby#1, but of course my mind set was if I am going to have more children and close together, why bother I'm just going to gain it back anyhow. So its been 10 months since my last child and its the new year what better time to get started. My in-laws brought over an exercise machine that they weren't using for me month ago, and for a month strait my husband has been making fun of me. You'd think he'd be happy for me, and him that I want to look good, but nooo... it started the night the machine came into the house and I had them set it up in the living room. They all teased because Nate said he would be taking it down in a week and putting it in our basement (where it came from at my father-in-laws). So now instead of saying wow I was wrong its been a whole month I get made fun of because I gained 4 lbs on it, which he lovingly made into 8lbs, but in my defense I also weighed myself right before my monthly friend and after a night out to dinner so I am not sure how accurate that was and then he had the nerve to say because the next time I weighed myself and I lost the ~~8lbs~~ 4lbs, "you're right back where you started so what's the point"!! WHATS THE POINT??? YOU ASK!! Well the point is to lose weight, feel better, look good for you and for me and BECAUSE I WANT TO!! Is that enough I mean seriously what happened to standing behind someone, and supporting them? Is that to much to ask? I guess so!! Well anyhow I will keep exercising, but not in spite of him because I want to and when I do look and feel better I'll get to say "no thanks to you, buddy!" No I won't really, but a little senserity would be nice and some respect and encouragement without the hehehe as I turn to walk away.

UPDATES

2008-01-15T08:41:00.000-05:00

So far 2008 has brought a whole lot with it. Maxwell has been working hard at learning to walk he has taken a couple steps in a row and will stand up from the floor by himself. I don't think this is intentional however, but he is determined to out do those sisters and brother and walk before the usual 13 months of age. He also has six teeth, and boy he knows how to use them...currently he is trying to bite my toes as I type. He has also slept a little more about the last 5 nights only getting up 1 or 2 times before midnight and then sleeping until 5:30-6ish, and I have been sleeping at least that much too. I normal continue to get up at the times the kids get up once they start sleeping more, but not this time I slept strait last night from 12:30 to 5:50. Max has also learned to play peek-a-boo and talk on the phone...everything is a phone and I believe he is trying to say hello. He makes the same caveman sound as hello when he picks up an object and puts it to his ear its so cute. He also cries mamamamamamamamama when he wants me, but I don't know if that is intentional either. I think they might be just noises of madness.
I'm ready to open windows and get out of the house in some warm sunshine. We have taken random kids to the doctor on Dec. 16th, 24th, 31st and now I've still got 3 hackers and snotty noses.They are also very ready to get outside, and have been keeping me on my toes cleaning up after all the new things Santa brought. Thank goodness he brought a few new movies for quite times too!
So ABOUT the rest of the kids.. My first born baby is turning 6 next Monday. I can't believe 6 years has gone by so fast when the last 6 months seems to be taking a lifetime. He is really excited for another birthday and this will be his first birthday party with friends from school. We are taking 8, 5 and 6 year olds bowling on Sunday for an hour and a half and then having family over later for cake and ice cream... which reminds me I need to go get that taken care of its Tuesday already?
The girls are sure taking after each other. Hannah is teaching my impressionable 2 year old everything she knows about being sneaky and getting into things. She has been a big help though since Max has been born and Parker has gone to school she is assuming the big sister role nicely although still acting as the middle child a lot too.
Caedy is getting big she is saying new phrases everyday. Her favorites are very matter-of-fact statements with big words like actually, yesterday, and anything we repeat that sounds interesting.
As for the hubby he is "working hard for the money"! Hasn't bothered me much that he is gone long hours I'd just really like to be closer to him so when he can get away it doesn't take him as long to get here and I don't worry about him driving being so worn out. Plus a little more room for the kids wouldn't upset me at all!
I've planned a little rejuvenating get-a-way for us for Valentines day with no kids. I think it'll be fun, he's not so sure, but my goal is to change his mind by the time the trip has ended! I'll blog ~~all~~ about it when we get back.

Peek-a-boo

Parker got to take a trip w/ Grandpa and Grandma to toys-r-us and spend his gift card.

This is my baby sister w/ Caedence ... they are both growing up fast!

I will not...

2008-01-15T08:30:00.001-05:00

Well Jan. 15th and I'm finally getting back around to writing down my resolutions. So here it is I resolve not to focus on my weight... I want to lose it, but I do not want to make it my soul purpose of 2008. I've been exercising on one of those Tony Little Gazelle's I didn't weigh myself immediately prior and I haven't since I started so I don't know if its working, but I have managed to do it every night since I got it that's 5 night and it was even over the weekend. I got up to 30 minutes last night and let me tell ya 5 night in a row is more then I've ever exercised consecutively in my life at least on purpose. I just pray (seriously) that I see a difference. I've changed my eating habits some. I eat smaller portions and I haven't had a second helping of dinner in at least a week, which is good for me I must say. I've also only had about a 3rd of my usual serving of ice cream at night. So I have resolved to not make it my soul purpose in 2008 to lose weight, but I guess you could say I have resolved to make a life style change in hopes that it helps me feel better. Once spring starts I plan to get out a lot more with the kids and make sure that we go outside at least once a day provided our wonderful Indiana weather allows. Now onto the updates...

Happy New Year!

2008-01-01T22:39:00.000-05:00

I resolve to write about my resolutions at a later date. Not much new to tell right now. We made it through Christmas and the kids got waaay too much as usual and now its 2008! I can't believe it. I also can't believe that we were all so worried about going from 1999 to 2000 and its 8 years later. I can't believe I am married with 4 kids and I can't believe that I am not in bed right now. So like I said more on all that to come!

The Company Christmas Party

2007-12-17T11:29:00.000-05:00

We went to Nate's first company Christmas party on Saturday... it was interesting to say the least. I am not sure what I expected, but we had a good time being together without the kids. Nate's mom watched them for us and took some pictures while we were gone. Of course Max got sick or started to show signs of being sick while we were gone and we got a big snow storm. Here are a few pictures from the weekend...

Nate and I before the party

The kids

Sick Maxwell w/ sissy

Nate getting ready to shovel some snow

I'm MAD at you!

2007-12-03T15:51:00.000-05:00

The other night oh... about the middle of last week, it had been a very long day and my husband had already worked 3 very long days and wasn't home yet so needless to say I had about half a nerve left and all 4 kids were on it. I was screaming and yelling because Caedy had pinched her finger very badly it was bleeding all over, Max was screaming because he was tired and hungry, and no one could seem to help me get anything for Caedence's finger. So finally Parker was looking for something and not going at the pace I felt needed in the heat of it all, and I yelled at him to get out of the way, he got mad and went to his room. EVENTUALLY I got Caedy quite enough to be able to get Max a bottle, take off my pants,(somewhere in there Caedy had wet her diaper for the last time and while sitting my lap it had soaked through her clothes and mine), sat down to feed him, of course the door bell rang (me w/ no pants and a baby in hand sleeping) I had the kids peek out to see who it was and luckily it was just the neighbor bringing back a borrowed tool. After all the excitement was over and things were calm... my five year old comes out of his room looking like this....

He told me he was mad at me for yelling at him! I hope this isn't how he views me (especially the mustache part)! Thank goodness for comic relief!

Just like an Everingham

2007-11-20T19:12:00.001-05:00

It finally happened Max's first tooth broke through.. I've been waiting and waiting. He is almost 8 months and I knew it had to be soon. I almost didn't notice it though because in true Everingham fashion even at 8 months old my kid had to do it different then all the other babies. He is getting a top tooth first. I know its possible to go that way and just because the majority of kids get their bottom teeth first doesn't mean its the only way, but seriously he's been such a good baby and pretty textbook that I guess he had to do something different.

Home Alone....

2007-11-17T13:09:00.000-05:00

Well its been over 48 hours since Nate left to go to the National Missionary Convention in Ohio with his brothers. He's been having a good time as far as I can tell and its awesome that he gets to spend some quality time with Ron and Randy, but you know what that means... it means I get to be home alone with the kids. They have actually been ok a little nitpicking at each other, but that's pretty normal. I hadn't prepared myself very well for this trip. Usually it takes at least a week of me reminding myself to line up some help and find ways to get away from the kids for a few hours, but this time all of the sudden it was here, and he was off. His Mom had taken vacation to be with Ron while he was home so she has been of some help, but I have to share her with my other sister-in-law too which is fine, but something I am not use to doing so its been a little bit of adjustment to not be able to have her whenever I want. It would be great if Carly and I lived closer together so we could help each other out more often, but for now that isn't an option.
So here it is Saturday afternoon. The littlest kids are napping and Hannah and I are watching Scooby Doo, while Parker is off to see the Argos Dragons and their first scrimmage of the season with Grandma. I'm sure we will make it through until Monday morning, but let me tell ya...I am SO thankful I am not a single Mom. I don't know how they do it. I do know I need a break though. I planted this idea in the head of my Sister-in-law in AZ (aka Ron's wife) that when the boys get done doing what they do that we 3 girls need to meet somewhere between there and here and have a little weekend getaway of our own.
Also, having this time to myself makes me always realize how much I do love my husband. Its kinda like that song by Chicago "Everybody needs a little time away...I heard ya say, from each other. Even lovers need a holiday far away from the ones that they love"... Its so true we all need some time away to really appreciate what we have, although I do wish it was me getting to go away a little more often I am glad that we can have these times to gain perspective again and appreciate what we have and be grateful of what we've been blessed with. So here's to another day..."I think I can I think I can"!

Exhaustion...

2007-11-05T19:47:00.000-05:00

Its been 7 months, 2 weeks and 4 days exactly since my son was born. I was pregnant for 9 months before that...and 6 of them were extremely uncomfortable enough that I got up at least once, but more like twice a night. So added up I have not gotten a full nights sleep for 13 months 2 weeks and 4 days!! And to top it all off I am getting up more now with my son then I was when he came home from the hospital. Uggggh. I'm so tired I can't see strait!!

The Halloween Thing

2007-10-30T17:44:00.000-04:00

So many people have asked me "What are your kids gonna be for Halloween?", or "Where are you taking the kids trick or treating at?" . Well due to not wanting to hurt peoples feelings and by all means not wanting people to think I am judging them this is my non-confrontational way of answering people's questions at least the ones that read my blog.
Its a church thing... Halloween originally is the celebration of when the veils between worlds are at their thinnest and spirits of the dead could pass between our world and theirs. People traditionally dressed up to scare the spirits away because it is said that the spirits of the dead were coming back to posses the living.
It is also said that the jack-o-lantern is a light to keep the spirit of an Irishman named Jack away, he fooled the Devil and made him mad so when he died the Devil turned him away from hell and he was so mean that he was turned away from Heaven as well. Upon leaving hell the Devil threw him a lump of burning coal so he could see. People use to put lumps of burning coal in turnips and placed them on their porches in hopes that when Jack came back he would take the light instead of bothering them. Americans have adapted this tradition and use pumpkins instead of turnips.
So there is a little Halloween history for you, and some explanation. If know me at all you know I believe in God and because of this I am not naive to evil which is why I choose not to celebrate it or teach my children to celebrate it. I have been up in the air about letting them go trick-or-treating because I know they will want to and "all their friends will be doing it", but for now I'm saying no, until they are able to fully understand why and stand firm in their beliefs, and I believe that it all starts at home. Children led by example, and I want my children to be strong leaders of their faith. Trust me it'd be a whole lot easier to say yes, and I have in the past I even went trick-or treating as a kid, and I am not condemning people that go or let their kids go. I just think people should be informed on what they are really celebrating.

The Evil Empire Strikes Again...

2007-10-23T14:31:00.000-04:00

I am truly surprised that as much time as I spend at Wal-Mart I haven't had more trips to write about, that said I am sure there will be more to come. Today I took the kids shopping and since Parker had a half day I took ALL the kids shopping. It must have been "old persons day" today out in the Dunlap area ( I say this with the kindest of hearts I know someday I will be old too), but every person over 60 was out and today not unlike other days every one of them said something to me... "you've got your hands full (my personal favorite)", "are they all yours?", "wow, thats a load", I even got a new one today "are your girls twins?"and so on and so on. So besides that I went to Target to look for more of a selection of shower curtains then Wal-Mart they had nothing that excited me so I went to Wal-Mart for some storage solutions to the toys that are breeding in our home. They have what I want at the Wal-Mart 4 min from my house, but since I was on the other side of town and driving back to my side of town was sure to put the kids to sleep I thought I'd stop at the one I was near. Well after 20 minutes of holding what seemed to be the pee of the century and searching for what should have been easily found, we went to the restroom, oh yes, me the cart and 4 kids in the restroom, and then began the search again. The kids were getting cranky so I thought lets go look at some fun Christmas decor that really shouldn't be out on Oct. 23rd. We found a Santa that my MIL was telling us about, you know the kind that sings, well this one shakes its booty and sings "I like to move it, move it". Of course when you have a two year old they always pick up on the last couple of words so as my two year old is singing "move it, move it" we run into an older gentlemen who first very obviously counts my "load" and the gives me a look like "nice manners you teach your children". Shortly after this my 4yo screams "I HAVE A TATTOO, and you don't!". By now I am sure they have called child services at that Wal-mart on me so I won't be going back (with kids) anytime too soon. Well, I must get off the computer and back to my motherly duties my baby has found the cat's water bowl... oh joy!

Over half a year!

2007-10-22T10:37:00.000-04:00

MAX IS 7 MONTHS OLD TODAY!! Over half a year as gone by with my baby! I can't believe how fast the time has gone. To get to this point in pregnancy it seems like it takes FOREVER!! He is really progressing fast too. He's been "real" crawling for about a week now, and on Friday he started pulling himself up onto his feet. He has also FINALLY started sitting up, and I didn't help he can do it all on his own! Yeah for Mom backing off for a little independence. Just two weeks ago he couldn't do any of this (except for just about crawling). I haven't gotten any pictures of him standing yet, mostly because when he is doing it I am sitting on the coach and he is trying to get me to hold him, but I will post them when I do. For now here is a picture from a couple weeks ago when he wasn't doing anything and I was praying he wouldn't fall face first off the pumpkin pallet (he did) notice to finally get a couple pictures I had to sit the pumpkin between his legs to hold him up. This is his "what the heck are these face".

Friday Morning...

2007-10-12T16:24:00.000-04:00

Took the girls to see the Pumpkin Tree today. It was pretty cool. Wakarusa has some amazing fall decor downtown. We didn't stay long because it was pretty cold, but it is a sight to see. Plenty of photo opps if you aren't freezing!

Room for Beds

2007-10-05T11:44:00.000-04:00

We need more room! I have just spent the morning putting together and taking apart 5 beds. 4 of them bunk beds, and let me tell ya those suckers are not easy to put together... Let me start at the beginning... about 2 years ago my Mother needed a mattress for my little brother because my step-grandpa was making him a full size bed. At that time he was sleeping on one set of bunk beds. I thought that trading her a mattress, that we did not use, would be great and then we could get my oldest son into a regular size bed instead of a toddler bed and my daughter out of the crib that we would soon need for the new baby about to be born. So it took my grandfather a little longer than expected to get the new bed made, and in the mean time Parker needed a big boy bed. So my Mother-in-law had my husbands old bunk beds in her basement if we wanted to buy a mattress. So I hauled my pregnant butt to her house loaded up one of the bunk beds and brought it home. We bought a mattress, put up the bed, gave Hannah the toddler bed and all was right with the world. However, soon Hannah was too long for the toddler bed. By this time my mother-in-law was ready to move and had my husbands bed that his brother made that she did not want. So we took it and gave it to Parker because it is rather high off the ground and gave the 1/2 of the bunk bed to Hannah...in the meantime we had baby #3. Eventually it was time for her to move out of Mom and Dad's room... here is where it gets interesting...so the other part of the bunk bed came to our house we put 1 set of bunk beds given to us by my mother-in-law up in one room for Parker and Hannah and Caedence's crib in the other room all by herself...in the meantime guess what? Baby #4 was conceived...I guess that's what we get for wanting a room all to ourselves. Sooooooooooo by now Parker has started preschool and is getting a little too inquisitive to be sleeping in the same room with his sister...we moved him out w/ 1-half of the bunk beds put the girls together the other half bed - 1 crib, and a baby crib in our room 6 months later we have a 2 year old who is too big for her crib so.... Yesterday I went to my Moms got the bunk beds that had been traded fair and square for a mattress set (that was not used as intended, but my little brother does have his own bed), and here we are today.
If you have been adding beds in the story and lost track I will fill you in we have 5 beds (2 sets of bunks and an extra) and 2 cribs....we have 3 bedrooms. Parker has a set of bunk beds for him and eventually Max and Hannah and Caedence have a set of bunk beds. I'm exhausted how bout you? It gets better though... we still have 1 bed to set up for Hannah and no bolts to do it with, ahh, yes the joy of children and all the things that go with them. We also still have 4 dressers that need places!

Here is a picture of the beds I'd like to have for our children 2 beds and storage in 1, but at this point if I never have another bed to put together or take apart it'll be too soon.

Owen and Max

2007-09-18T15:33:00.001-04:00

This may be the only time when it is cute to see boys kissing...they'll hate me when they are older. Sorry boys, I had to!

Parker and Caedence

2007-09-09T15:32:00.001-04:00

Star in Your Own JibJab! It's Free!Parker and Caedy took some dancing lessons

A First

2007-09-07T09:08:00.000-04:00

Well, as the saying goes..."boys will be boys" and I've got two. Parker was racing his bike yesterday with the neighborhood kids and crashed face first...no skid marks thank goodness its only now just been a year since he got his first stitches, but he did knock out at tooth... ugh. I'm getting queezy again just thinking about it. I'm so glad Nate was here to deal with this one. I'm not grossed out easily by blood and cuts, but man this one did me in. He was brave though, he cried a little, but took it like a man... or boy
.

A little piece of lazy!

2007-09-06T14:42:00.000-04:00

Call me lazy, but I ordered this great new gate, the "Superyard XT", to keep Maxwell from crawling or scooting rather into the kitchen... I had the thing out of the box before the UPS man was out of the driveway. Best of all I ordered it yesterday for about 20.00 less then any place else on amazon.com, and it came today w/ standard shipping! I was so impressed! Here is a picture of it. Its actually made to go into a hexagon shape like a little playpen. I'm sure we'll use it for that too its huge!! I only had to use 3 1/2 pieces for my 8 1/2 ft opening!

Last Days of Summer

2007-09-04T10:01:00.000-04:00

We had a long weekend Nate took Friday off for our 5 year Wedding anniversary, and ended up building a shed. However, I didn't mind because we really need one and need to get it done and the garage cleaned out before winter. It'll be so nice to be able to fit both cars in the garage without having to maneuver around junk. It also means I can have a garage sale in the spring without having to ask Nate's help in cleaning the garage out.
We also went to Travellodge (formerly the Ramada Inn) on Friday night for a little hassle free getaway. The boys ended up getting a cold, which had been brewing from the week before.
Saturday was Hannah's b-day party, which she has been very vocal about waiting on so I was glad the event was finally upon us as was she.
Sunday was kinda lazy Nate worked more on the shed, and Monday we spent the afternoon at the lake and what will most likely be our last boat for the season...although I hear its gonna be a hot one this week. Here are some pictures from the weekend that I took with my new camera that Nate got me for our anniversary.

Book for Moms

2007-08-28T15:39:00.001-04:00

Ok so the book I was talking about in the last post is called Let Me Hold You Longer by Karen Kingsbury. I really recommend it to all new Moms, but also any Mom it'll make you tear up and it'll also make you realize whats important. Best of all its a children's book so you can read it to your kids. (The title above is a link to Barnes and Noble because you can read a sample, but you can also get it at Walmart.com for cheaper)

The BIG Yellow Baby Stealer

2007-08-28T07:55:00.000-04:00

Be warned the big yellow baby stealer will probably get your kids sooner then you think. I pushed it away as long as I possibly could, but after a week and a half Parker decided for the official first time it was going to be a whole lot more fun to ride w/ his friends to school then with his Mom. Its like starting the first day of school over again for me. I was tearful and sad as I watched my little boy get on the school bus for the first time. There is a wonderful book for Moms that doesn't talk about the typical "first time" things. I thought about it today as I watched Parker get on the bus. I would recommend it for you if your a Mom I need to figure the name out but I will include it soon.

YES! I have my hands full

2007-08-24T15:58:00.000-04:00

I just have to vent for a moment. I was at Blockbuster today and one of the employees yet again pointed out that I have 4 children. I am SO tired of people saying statements like "are they all yours", "Wow, you're busy" , and "Boy, you have your hands full"....Do they honestly think I don't know this information. I mean I was at all the births of my children, and yes I do stay pretty busy taking care of them and have been that way, more w/each child, for the last 5 years. This is not a new concept for me. Yet, complete strangers tell me this after only seeing me for a few seconds as if I haven't figured it out yet. I am so sick of hearing it. I don't mind when people that know me say something, but geesh some people are really gutsy! Anyhow I needed to get that off my chest. Next time you see someone in public with "their hands full" offer your help not your opinion.

Summer Heat...

2007-08-23T16:21:00.001-04:00

My husband has been holding out on me I found this family picture on our computer ... we all look pretty sweaty(and the kids are in their p.j.s), but hey it was one of those afternoons at the lake...

School Days

2007-08-17T16:19:00.000-04:00

Well Parker (and I) made it through the first week of school. I'm exhausted and so is he...its almost like working again! Getting up early, getting the kids ready and out the door. I've never been a morning person and apparently age hasn't changed anything for me.
As for Parker...I think he takes after me. Not an early riser! He hasn't enjoyed getting up and hasn't enjoyed being at school for so long. I really hope that his feelings change. I don't want to just assume he'll get use to it. I know he will, but I don't want him to just be going. I want him to want to be going. I know that he will be much more productive if he wants to be there.
Its still pretty surreal to drive by the school and think that I have a child that goes there. Even though I have dropped him off and picked him up the last 3 days its hard to believe. It seems like yesterday we were bringing him home from the hospital, and even though I don't remember every detail of the last 5 years of his life it some how feels unfair that someone else is going to be spending so much time with my son. Its the same feelings that I had going back to work after he was born and the reason I stopped working. I'm not sure why every mother that has ever dropped off their child at school doesn't need counseling for all these emotions. Its funny because sometimes its hard to remember those "first time Mom" feelings after 4 kids, and I forget that in this case I still am a "first time Mom" ...over protective, and unsure of how to walk this new ground...

Growing Up Too Fast

2007-08-15T08:51:00.000-04:00

Parker had his first day of school today. I was sad and happy all at the same time. He is growing up right before my eyes. I can't believe how fast the time has gone.Blake Crain and Parker
Say Cheese.....

Listening to the teacher...

America's Next Top Heavy Model

2007-08-10T08:30:00.000-04:00

Woke up this morning feeling a little funny and realized that my chest was full of milk and Max was still sleeping and had slept all night!! Yeah!! I don't know why I know he was feeling a little congested yesterday, but I also spent the better part of yesterday morning putting his actual crib up in our room so he doesn't have to sleep in his pack-n-play anymore. He also fell asleep about 40 min after his bed time, but he has done that before and it doesn't seem to make a difference. I really hope it has nothing to do with any of that and it continues. That would be awesome, however, then I really might be America's Next Top Heavy Model...I feel like I could feed triplets right now. I hope he wakes up soon....

A little too much fun

2007-08-09T09:36:00.001-04:00

Max was bouncing and bouncing and then all of the sudden....
No more bouncing.

A real deal!!

2007-08-07T15:03:00.000-04:00

I went out to target today to shop for gym shoes for Parker. As usual I go up and down the aisles looking for clearance deals today I found the best one yet. I couldn't pass it up. I actually was in the market to purchase one anyhow which made it even better. I got a Graco car seat for Hannah one that is tall and then you take it apart and its just the booster seat. Regularly 49.99. I paid....are you ready for this...12.48. I think I actually shouted in excitement when I saw the price because the lady standing beside me said "12 bucks!" She and I both grabbed the last 2 up! Anyhow I know some people could careless, but when I get a good deal it makes me excited. I wish I hadn't shouted so loudly cause I would have bought the other one too and maybe sold it on eBay or given it to a friend. Oh well its very cute pink w/ butterflies. Hannah was excited too! Yeah! I wish there were more deals like that everyday!

My baby girl is 2 today!!

2007-07-26T12:22:00.001-04:00

Caedence turned 2 today. She proudly posed for the camera in her new Dora outfit and dress up shoes!! A girl and her shoes nothin' better! Happy Birthday baby!!

The 12th Everingham

2007-07-24T15:46:00.001-04:00

Davis Michael Everingham
Born July 20th, 2007
8:11pm
9lbs
21.5in
Davis joins his Mommy and Daddy (Jon and Carly)
and brothers Myles and Maddux.
We are excited to welcome our new nephew!

Church Friends

2007-07-16T15:19:00.000-04:00

Over the last almost 5 years my husband and I have been going to River Oaks Community Church. We love it there and have become pretty involved. Nate plays in the worship band, which is great for giving him reason to play and sharing his God given abilities. I've been the nursery coordinator, a child care worker, taught Kindergarten, made food for the summer program Super U, been hospitality coordinator for our MOPS group, and together Nate and I are "official" leaders of a Care group. While doing these things we have made some great friends and I wouldn't trade them for anything, however, I have always longed to have some of those great relationships like I did in school. It seems as though God has decided I've waited long enough.

A few weeks ago some friends we've known for a while, Wes & Julie, Darin & Tara, decided to check out our church, it just so happened that Darin was someone Nate really hung out with a lot back in our younger days, and he was pretty excited to see him. We both were really excited to see them all, and Julie and I have been connecting a lot more these days on a mommy level , which is always great the more mommy friends the less stressed and worried we'll be, so to have her at church was awesome!

Then last week my best friend from high school, Carrie, emailed me and said she had some questions. I was intrigued, but being as she has 2 kids under 2 I figured it was also mommy related. Much to my surprise when I called her to ask what she wanted. She said she was curious to know the best way to begin looking for a church to go to, and some other random questions on how to pick one. She later emailed me and they will be trying 1 of their 3 picks this weekend!!! And even though they live 2 hours away and won't be going to church with me I am thrilled for them!

And although we haven't made much of a significant contact yet I am looking forward to reconnecting and rekindling a friendship that I thought had been lost a long time ago with Rachael another great friend from high school as well!

God always has a plan for you and your prayers, but its great when you see his works!! I am so happy for all my friends. Especially those who have just decided to make the choice to see what church and God can do for them. There are lots of great things in store for you guys I just know it! One of the best things yet to come is that we all have children around the same ages, which means we are starting their generation off right, and hopefully someday they will be able to count on having their own "church friends"!

The Christian Bubble

2007-07-08T22:59:00.000-04:00

We had a guest speaker today at church...very good I must say I am not too into the guest speakers I kinda like to know what to expect when I go to church, but sometimes its good to shake things up a bit. So the guy that spoke today was Steve "something" I can't remember his last name, but he was from TX where he is a pastor to a mere 5,000 young adults and teens. He said something that really hit me today. He talked about our Christian "Bubble" how as Christians we listen to "our" music, eat at "our" restaurants, buy from "our" book stores. However, that isn't what Christianity is all about...just because we do what every other Christian is doing doesn't make us Christians. We need to be reminded as Christians that we are striving to be "Christ like" do as Christ did. As our closing song said today "we can show them love, grace, light, hope.... we can show them JESUS!! I have fallen into the trap, if you will, of doing what every other Christian is doing because that is what Christians do right? WRONG! As Steve said today doing all that stuff is ok, but it lacks faith. Just by listening to WFRN or Pulse isn't making me more faithful. Sure its a good way to worship, but how is it making me Christ like? I am doubting when Jesus walked this earth he had a radio up on his shoulder jamming to Toby Mac.
SO I need challenge myself to get out of the bubble. I probably need to get out of my comfort zone a bit too. Doesn't mean I am going to stop listening to Toby Mac, but I really need to start showing others more what being a Christian means not what we "do". My prayer is that God shows me the opportunities clearly, and gives me the courage to step outside my comfort zone.

Have you seen these...

2007-07-05T22:44:00.000-04:00

I can't believe it... I wish I was more digital camera savvy when I had my other kids. I've always wanted to get one of these pictures done for my kids, but I DREAD taking them out to get their pictures taking. It always makes me stressed. So I thought I'd try to do this myself and I think I did pretty well. Its amazing what you can do when you put your mind to it. I must admit I had a little programming help from my hubby. Thanks babe!