On the front porch swing

After having my drains removed last night I knew I wanted to get out of bed today at least for a little bit. So I woke up took a shower, put some real clothes on and.....went back to bed. Yep, thats right. I've had a headache since last night (still do) and with taking a shower and getting dressed I was pretty pooped. So I rested took some of my headache meds until around 4, and finally decided headache or not I was going to venture out. I made it! So I sat on the front porch for a couple hours, then decided I couldn't sit anymore I gently swept the porch and picked up a few random kid droppings, and now I am pooped again. My chest right in the middle feels like someone has piled a few bricks on it every time I take a breath. I feel pretty defeated right now... maybe I pushed I really didn't do much, but I keep thinking about the fact that the Dr. typically sends people home the day of the surgery with no restrictions other than driving, and lifting. Otherwise its life as normal. How come I can't feel "normal" after 12 days?

Some days the emotions are good, like today, and then all the sudden BAM! I feel like I'm flying down the emotional highway. All because someone walked by the house.

As a women I've always noticed if my husband glaces at another women, intentionally or not. Now that I've had my surgery and lost one of the things that attracts my husband to me its amplified times a million. Of course I know in my head he isn't looking at women because he is necessarily attracted to them, it could have been just because they walked by or came over or we're watching TV, but I'm jealous that something that I once had has been stolen from me, and that my husband can no longer be attracted to me in that way. I know there are many other things that he is attracted to, but lets face it the vast majority of men, are sexual driven. I'm not going to get real personal here, but my husband is no exception, and to feel like I'm unable to please him kills me.

So sitting on the porch today was nice, I enjoyed the fresh air and the sunshine, but seeing people out and about doing there thing was hard, it frustrates me, it hurts me, it makes me sad. I want it back, I want my normal back!

A pain in the drain!

PTL!! My awesome neighbor who happens to be a PA in Ft. Wayne came over and took out my remaining two drains. (No, worries we got permission from my PA in Goshen) And to top it off she did an amazing job and I barely even felt it. I just had to write about what a good night I will have because of her kindness. I've had so much anxiety over these stupid drains this is going to make everything a little brighter! Thank you again so much Jenny you really did make my day!

On a side note, please say a prayer for Jenny as her husband will be deployed to Afghanistan in Oct. and between training and deployment there isn't much time left for their family to spend together they have 2 kids under age 5, he will be gone for a little over a year. Fighting for our country. Another ribbon another important cause!

No pain, no gain

Today started off with lots of pain, and ended the same. Thankful I had two of my best friends to keep me company and keep my mind off of it for the better part of the day. Its amazing what friends can do to your day. Once the chaos had been settled with the 8 kids in the house they both came upstairs and laid in my bed to have a little tear shed with me. I haven't seen them since before my surgery so it was an emotional greeting to say the least. We were able to talk the day away, literally until their kids were more than ready to head home. It makes me remember something I learned when I was around 8 or 9 that I think has been one of the only lessons I took from my brownie troop at that time, and I've posted before, but a song about friendship the lyrics are:

Make new friends, but keep the old

One is silver and the other gold.

These two particular friends have both come into my life at different times, and when I think about that song I think yeah silver and gold are worth different things, but in regards to my friends silver and gold are both shiny and worth so much more when held on to, in my eyes priceless. So even though there was pain today there was time for friends, and reflection, laughter and encouragement. And now, is time for sleep. Thank you friends for your love and support. Its worth more than you know. I love you!

What is strong and brave?

Over the last 11 days since I received my diagnosis I've been called strong, brave and even an inspiration. I appreciate those comments whole heartedly, but I'm curious what people who say this mean. Mostly because I feel like the cowardly lion, or a small child who wants to run and hide not be brave. And sometimes I'm so emotional I can't even carry my own weight I do not feel strong.

Today was a long day with all the appts. that were scheduled, a very emotional day I wanted to cower in the corner and cry mostly. Not be brave or strong. We learned more about my cancer, we learned first and foremost they did not get it all in surgery they missed as defined by the pathologist a "tiny focal" area that depending on tomorrow's case meeting with all my doctors may require another surgery. We also learned that I have a very rare type of cancer called pagents disease, which besides the lumps has several other symptoms that I was not knowingly experiencing. We learned that it will take a total of 53 treatments beginning six weeks after my last surgery 20 Chemo over a span of around 5 months and 33 radiation treatments, Mon-Fri. for 15 minutes every day until the 33 are complete, and then I will take a pill for the next 5 years as continued treatment. Once that is finished in 6 months or so I can go in for reconstruction surgery.

I was able to get 2 of the 4 drains that I have in my sides removed, which I can still feel the pain from, it was incredibly painful and at the same time I was so glad to have at least some of them out. They were my #1 drains which started clear up by my collar bone and went out the sides of me. The other drains my #2 drains are said to be under my incisions near where the bottom of my breast was...I'm told those aren't as painful but still not enjoyable to have removed.

So when I think about strong and brave I do not see myself, but I'm glad others seem to think so my evil plan is working.

The road ahead is long, and frankly scary as hell from what I imagine hell to be. Its kinda lonely, and dark, but I've got a match and I feel like there are people with lanterns along the way, its just going to take me one step at a time and to find them, and to realize at the end of the night the "son" has never failed to rise again. Its just sometimes easier said then done. So thank you friends and family for your encouragement. Please Please don't let it stop because I'm still searching for you all one step at a time.

Some answers

6 days post-op and the waiting was just too much. Nate and I called the PA today at the surgeon's office to see if they had the pathology report. To our surprise they did, and Candace the PA for Dr. Henry seemed to be very forth coming with all the results. They found NO CANCER in the left breast or lymph node they took from the left side. PTL! On the right side however, where we already knew the cancer was they took out a total of 17 lymph nodes and found cancer in 2. It was described to us in this way... My body in this case my breast and the blood stream closest to it (in the arm pit essentially) is the high way and the cancer was in my breast, and got on the high way (into 2 lymph nodes). Which means it could possibly be somewhere else they don't know how far down the highway it got. They did tell us regardless the treatment wouldn't change. The next step most likely after recovery will be another surgery to place a port under the skin and to begin chemo. We meet tomorrow with the radiation doc for his/her recommendation at 10 am, then with a Naturopathic doc at 1, the surgeon's PA for post-op exam at 2, and the oncologist who will confirm chemo and/or radiation treatments at 2:30.

During our talk with Candace she said the pathology report said I was a grade 3 and in her best educated guess my cancer is Stage 2 which could change depending on just how fast the cancer was driving down that highway. If its in other places then it could change to a higher stage, and if its not as bad it could change to lower stage. Of course our prayers are for it to just be in the lymph node and no where else, but the reality we must face is it could be somewhere else. The chemo and radiation will be very aggressive and hopefully take care of that. More scans and test will be done along the way to see how I'm progressing.

So looking at the bright side of things Praise God for no cancer on the left side. Today I'm thankful for clean sheets on my bed (and lots of other things that got done), a nutter butter blizzard, and continued prayers on my behalf.

And I survived

When I was younger in the front seat I stood

looking through the glass peering over the hood

no child restraint or safety seat I wanted to stand

happy and free.

And I survived

A little bit older not much wiser in years

I swam at the city pool

not with Mom just my peers

And I survived

We'd play out all day from morning to night

drank from the hose and riding our bikes

no helmet no water bottles we didn't need much

just the sidewalk, our friends some dirt and dust

And I survived

As I grew more things I thought that I knew

I wanted to go tell that girl a thing or two

I didn't look both ways on that one way street

In the blink of an eye that car swept me off my feet

And I survived

Heartaches and Heartbreaks soon came to pass

Each time feeling something like shattered glass

And I survived

Then he came along and swept me off my feet

a house and a baby we were almost complete

then came 2, 3 and #4

all with little pain meds, but nothing more

And I survived

Our days were longer and the nights not so much

but life was a blessing we have been blessed with so much

Then on that hot afternoon in July

the words I couldn't imagine were floating right by

The Doctor said no worries we've got great care

but most likely you, in time, will lose your hair

not to mention your breast, and I couldn't stand up

I leaned over to cry on his strong chest

This journey has only begun

such a long road to travel

but prayers to the great One

by his believers have unraveled

He holds me now as I can't stand on my own

and my family in Him stands strong in my home.

The story has not ended, no not everything has been said.

I want it to finish with three words you have read

Happy highs and Lousy Lows

Yesterday was a great day. Although I didn't sleep at all, I had a total of 7 people come to visit. It made me happy to see everyone and I even had some comic relief with our cousin Denise and her husband.

Soon enough though everyone went home, and I had taken my last pain pill at 1pm, the house was dark and the tears were hot. As I began to rethink the events of the day the kid came home, that was good, but my oldest daughter (7) and youngest son (4), who are two peas in a pod were curious, and rightfully so. Hannah couldn't find the words to describe so she said I looked "young". Maxwell wanted to see where they "cut" me. I let him. He later told Nate that "the doctors cut off Mommy's boobies and made them black" referring to the incision site. He and Caedence both were curious to see the drains and where they went in, and what was coming out. I didn't really want them to see those, but inevitably I couldn't keep them hidden forever.

As I was reviewing all of this in my head, laying alone in my bed, the tears began to flow hot and heavy. The thoughts of no longer having breast began to sink in a little, and the fears of how the kids will react to the hair loss when the time comes for that.

Also, around the same time I had started to feel some discomfort. I tried taking one of my milder pain pills but it just gives me hives so it wasn't helping, and I was and am still feeling strange sensations where my breast once were. Sometimes vibrations, sometimes like a drip of water is running down my chest, and worst of all last night was a cold knife like sensation across the incision site. My arms are beginning to get some feeling back too and its like the feeling when your foot falls asleep and its just starting to wake up, when you feel as if you want to jump out of your skin when it touches anything.

As I began to feel each new thing I was thinking back to Wednesday and how I felt like a 5 year old when I was wheeled into the operating room. How big and scary it was, and how there were so many people with masks on as they began to call out my name, birth date, and what surgery I was about to have. It was all like a scary nightmare I'm glad the anesthesia worked quickly once I got in there.

All of these feelings combined were too much I just had to cry and cry, but today is a new day. I've got a new bottle of the pain pills that work and am about to get a shower, one of the high-lights of my day. I look forward to the encouraging words I will receive today, and sounds of laughter from my children.

make-up and contacts

Putting on a brave face for my kids as they return home today. I know they will be able to see the physical difference by just looking at me so I wanted to look as otherwise normal as possible. I'm so worried about them worrying. I think as each new person has visited that I haven't seen since the surgery I cry at least once, so I know my emotions can come out at anytime so I just want to seem as fine as I can when my kids get home. Obviously Mommy being in bed all day everyday isn't normal, and when I saw them last I hid all of my drains and chest. Today I put on some make up put my contacts in and did my hair to the best of my ability. I hope they can get past this I will do everything in my power to make this time for them as normal as possible.

I'm still so sleepy today. I haven't taken anything for pain yet today, but am having a little. Since this whole surgery in itself is new to me I didn't realize I'd still be so tired after so many days.

The days are running together...

Today I woke up hungry a new feeling that I haven't had for the last week or so. My sweet husband got me some watermelon and sprite for breakfast, the new breakfast of champion's in this house. It tasted good sweet and crisp. It was shower time so once again my sweet husband got me undressed and helped me into the shower, where he slowly washed my hair, and my skin. The smell of clean is refreshing and the sleepy feeling I have from the nausea meds made me unknowingly rest my head so far down as he massaged I ended up laying on his chest. Once clean and dry he carefully changed my bandages and dressed me. His step-dad was waiting to visit so we visited with him for a while, and then I chatted on the phone with my Mom. Now as I lay here, still sleepy my chest throbs with tightness, I can sometime feel a cold or wet sensation where my breast once were. I still have not had the courage to look at myself in front of a mirror without clothes. I keep thinking that I should have done that by now, and the longer I wait the harder it will be. I can already see the flatness of what was once full, and dread my first public appearance in which I anticipate a lot of emotion.

As we have started this journey it makes us so aware that the people we pass daily could be going through something. As I prepared for my surgery with a trip to walmart I keep seeing people walk by me doing their normal life things thinking... "don't they know, don't I look sick, can't they tell?" of course not, of course they have no idea, but I will. I will make myself more open to seeing the hurt and pain in peoples eyes to make myself more aware and ask how someones day is with meaning and real curiosity rather then just trying to make conversation.

Thank you again to those who have continued to be a support to our family as we walk this road. I can not thank you all personally there are so many, but please know I am reading every comment, email and facebook post daily and they really are keeping me going as I lay here recovering.

A day not soon forgotten

6:00am - go up got ready to go to the hospital

7:00am - left for Goshen

8:00am - arrived at the hospital and went to day surgery

8:15am - undressed, gowned and being prepped for surgery

8:45am - Family friend from ROCC came up to pray with us

9:15am - nuclear medicine injected into both left and right breast to light up suspicious lymph nodes.

9:30am - wheeled down for surgery

9:34am - anesthetic administered

9:56 am - surgery started

3:00 pm - surgery complete and taken to recovery

4:00pm -wheeled to my room for the 24 hours.

The ride to the hospital was long and pretty quite. Once we arrived to the hospital the questions began to roll in... name, birth date, allergies, do you have to use the restroom, I was waiting on which door are you parked closest to so you can run out of here the fastest? Once they were able to get my IV started things began to move pretty rapidly. I think I saw every second on the clock tick by as people trickled in doing their thing. Shortly after our friend from our church in goshen came up and prayed with us two nurses came and one at a time injected a dose of nuclear medicine under each areola first the left and then the right and massaged each. The pain was extremely intense. About 15 minutes after that I kissed Nate goodbye and cried as they rolled me down the long hallway. The operating room was intense. I've seen them on TV but never actually been in one. They wheeled me in asked me to transfer beds, the anesthesiologist injected some medicine I looked at the clock and that's the last thing I remember. The next thing I knew I was semi awake, and surrounded by nurses who were asking me more questions. The first thing I remembered was I forgot to add my Grandpa to the list of people Nate was suppose to call. One of the nurses (a lady who knew us from our Goshen church) was there throughout the whole process updating Nate and my family and I asked her if she could please tell Nate to call my Grandpa, she said he was already in the waiting room, and that my best friend Carrie was there, as long as she could be, but had to leave to catch a flight. Ironically later I found out that the Dr.'s assistant had missed the surgery because she had just found out her best friend had breast cancer, and had jumped in her car to go be with her as she begins her battle. After a couple short conversations with the recovery nurses I was taken to my room which I don't remember and had several visitors as I was in and out of consciousness. The night was long, filled with nausea and vomiting, pain and trying to get comfortable. My roommate with up crying or snoring all night and I just couldn't handle listening to her so I had the TV on all night. I was up about every hour going to the bathroom. The nurses were helpful even as busy as they seemed.

The ride home yesterday was long and painful, but the journey ahead is going to be longer. Before leaving the hospital I was scheduled 6 or 7 appts. for the next 2 weeks. I'm still overwhelmed with emotions of not knowing exactly how bad this is, and also with all the love and support of everyone around us. My family is being taken care of and I'm so grateful for that, but I'm still in a fog and of course a lot of pain.

Today I'm scared. I couldn't sleep, and all I can think about everything and nothing at the same time. Here goes everything....