Comfort to Consequence

After a long week and a half of thinking, I went in to radiation today not sure if I would come out radiated or not. With each phase of treatment, there was not many questions. Of course we had concerns with surgery and chemotherapy, and we knew there could be side effects, but we did not question the treatment. We did what we thought needed to be done. After receiving the radiation education and talking to as many people as would listen, I just wasn't sure it was for me, I had questions, lots of questions as noted in the last post.
So today we went in armed with our questions and prayers of making the right decision. Ready to walk away or ready to get started we were not yet set on.

However, I did consider lots of things on the way to Goshen such as: All this time we've been praying for my Doctors, that they would make the best choices possible in the way of my care. It seemed sort of hypocritical to question them now. I was showering this morning listening to music, a random play list and the only song I could remember was Because He lives, and the verse "Because He lives, I can face tomorrow, because He lives all fear is gone, because I knooooooow he holds the future...". I was also sent a verse by a friend this week that knew I was facing this decision, yet she sent it to me regarding a completely different matter Psalm 56:11 In God have I put my trust: I will not be afraid what man can do unto me.  I also wrestled with the thought this week that no matter what I do God knows when I will take my last breath. Whether I decided to do radiation or not it will not prolong or end my life any sooner then God has already planned.

So after all of that and a good 20 minutes of quizzing the Dr. we decided to go ahead and proceed with radiation. I will tell you there was not an overwhelming sense of calmness once that decision was made. I felt fine about the decision, but once we made it I had a short 20 minutes to prepare myself that I was actually going to do it, and as I lay on the table being prepared to have my first treatment lots of things were going through my mind. Starring at the beautiful fake tulip tree over the lights above me I began to think about how much burden this will cause for everyone involved on my end. People to take care of Max when needed, Nate to rearrange his schedule for the next 6 weeks so that I can go and be treated every morning, our bank account, and how much gas we will be purchasing along with any other cost to get there, and then the side effects I've been warned about that will effect me daily. Skin pain, and fatigue and how Max may not understand all of that, and just think of it as another day that Mommy wants to lay on the couch. You are probably wondering how long I was laying there about now... (about 40 min).

Once I was done, I got dressed, got my husband, and left. As I got in the car and started the engine this was the first thing I heard:

You must...

You must think I'm strong

To give me what I'm going through

Well forgive me

Forgive me if I'm wrong

But this looks like more than I can do

On my own

I know I'm not strong enough to be

everything that I'm supposed to be

I give up, I'm not strong enough

Hands of mercy won't you cover me

Lord right now I'm asking you to be

Strong enough, strong enough 

For the both of us

This is a song that I have listened to several times through-out this journey, but even today it took on new meaning. So now as I begin phase 3 of my battle against this disease I ask for your continued prayers for my mind to be at ease about the things I cannot change, peace in knowing things will and are being taken care, and travel safety as I drive each morning during the week to get my treatments.

1 down 32 to go!!