Roller Coaster Ride

There are some days when I look in the mirror and think ... is this real? I remember in my BC( before cancer) life that I would see someone bald from cancer, usually on tv, and wonder what that must be like. I could never even imagine it. Today as I sit here in my infusion room alone I still am having a hard time grasping the fact that YES, this is my life! I still have trouble looking toward the future, and being on the survivor side of this disease, and when days like today come up, where my liver still isn't functioning right, and my drug dose has been reduced to try and control that issue I just stare at the ceiling and wonder ... is this real? Will it ever seem real? Is it better that it doesn't seem that way?

It has been an emotional week for me I'm not sure why although I'm only counting today and yesterday I tend lately to just have a day or an hour that is a little tougher. With the holidays upon us I've begun to let the devil take hold of my brain and thinking more about what if this is my last holiday with my kids, and what have I done to make a difference in someone else's life in the last 32 years? As I sit here I can here a man talking as he gets his treatment about life, and all the experiences he's had in the last week and the last 70 or so years. I wonder if I will be able to be in that position in 40 years? I keep hearing stories of this disease taking lives I don't want to be one of those statistics for the next 32 year old, mother of 4 who has to sit in this chair.

More Taxol Troubles

Well, last week I wasn't able to have a treatment as most of you already know... I was very discouraged to say the least because 1. I had driven almost an hour for treatment, 2. because my liver isn't functioning right which could cause permanent damage and mean more problems, and 3. because my doctor said if it doesn't change we'll have to try something different. I feel like "something different" isn't good enough. When I was diagnosed with cancer the doctors all met and discussed the best plan of action, and so we set forth with plan in mind. Now if I have to change that I feel like its the second best, and for me second best isn't good enough when it comes to dealing with cancer.
So as I am facing tomorrow's uncertainty of if treatment will continue as planned I feel a little anxious. Hoping we don't have to change drugs, and hoping my liver was just having a bad week and things are back to normal.

Taxol

Well today was treatment 2 of 12 of Taxol and 6 of 16 of total chemo. Last week I had a pretty bad day after chemo. I've been having a lot of anxiety about my treatments each time because each one has been different. So last week as I went into doing a new drug I was nauseated before I even made it to the cancer center and then had a reaction, very typical, to it so we had to stop and restart, and I was dosed up with lots of steroids and benadryl, and ended up sleeping through almost the entire treatment for a total of about 18 hours. Once I started having the allergic reaction last week they gave me an extra steroid to try an help that and it seemed to work. So this week I didn't know what to expect, and going in I again had some anxiety. My doctor also told me before treatment if I had the same reaction that she would switch my taxol. It isn't actually the taxol that cause the allergic reaction its the drug that carries it into my body so they can switch to a different carrier, however, that requires I go back to going every 2-3 weeks instead of weekly which would stretch my treatment out considerably and that didn't sound appealing at all since it would mean I would still being doing treatments next summer instead of being done in the spring. Thankfully we were able to get it right this time by just starting with the IV steroid and a little less benadryl. I made it through without needing a nap until the ride home and am awake now which was not even a possibility last week. So I'm very thankful for that. I will get to continue going weekly and I'm hopeful each treatment will be easier.
I'm still worried about dealing with anxiety. I have always been a little anxious when I go into situations where I can't control what is going to happen or an unaware of all the details, but it obviously is to the extreme for me right now with making me literally sick. I hope that as this chemo goes on that will get easier. I still struggle with feeling like we don't deserve all the blessings that are being bestowed upon us despite the cancer, and sometimes even feel guilty about accepting them sometime, however, this week I've been given the opportunity to help others. I'm sad to say this week I've learned of 2 people that have been diagnosed with breast cancer, but I'm very happy to be able to encourage them, and understand them as they begin this walk, and even help out a little with talking to the people who are walking this walk with them. I still have days I don't always feel ready, but there are good days too, and I pray I can take full advantage of those days!

Just an update on how things are going. I started my new chemo this past week. The treatment itself was a lot harder then the other treatments. I had a lot of nausea and anxiety going into it, and then had a reaction from the drug itself so that was no fun. However, since all of that happened I had a lot of other drugs along with the chemo that made me very exhausted, and I sleep through most of my treatment, all the way home, and pretty much until 8am the next morning. When I woke up I actually felt decent. Got out of bed, took a shower, and just kinda hung out around the house for the day, each day this week I had a little more energy, but did a lot more so at this point in the week I am completely exhausted. My legs feel like jello even though I didn't do a whole lot today. All in all the chemo is better, and the side effects are minimal, its still chemo, and now weekly so I'm not looking forward to that, but 1 down 11 to go. We're still being amazingly blessed along the way, and tomorrow are leaving town to take a break from all the stress of everything else for a night, that.. that will be another post for another day..lots of anxiety lately about that and several other things.