Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Roller Coaster Ride

There are some days when I look in the mirror and think ... is this real? I remember in my BC( before cancer) life that I would see someone bald from cancer, usually on tv, and wonder what that must be like. I could never even imagine it. Today as I sit here in my infusion room alone I still am having a hard time grasping the fact that YES, this is my life! I still have trouble looking toward the future, and being on the survivor side of this disease, and when days like today come up, where my liver still isn't functioning right, and my drug dose has been reduced to try and control that issue I just stare at the ceiling and wonder ... is this real? Will it ever seem real? Is it better that it doesn't seem that way?

It has been an emotional week for me I'm not sure why although I'm only counting today and yesterday I tend lately to just have a day or an hour that is a little tougher. With the holidays upon us I've begun to let the devil take hold of my brain and thinking more about what if this is my last holiday with my kids, and what have I done to make a difference in someone else's life in the last 32 years? As I sit here I can here a man talking as he gets his treatment about life, and all the experiences he's had in the last week and the last 70 or so years. I wonder if I will be able to be in that position in 40 years? I keep hearing stories of this disease taking lives I don't want to be one of those statistics for the next 32 year old, mother of 4 who has to sit in this chair.


Carrie said...

You've made a difference in my life. You've been my BEST FRIEND for so long I can't remember not having you in my life. We've spent days on end together, and too many months have gone by without us seeing eachother. We've talked everyday in some way for months at a time, and we've gone weeks and sometimes months without hearing eachother's voice. And it never seems to matter one bit how long or how far away we are, you have always been there. You have always made me smile, you have always been a shoulder for me to cry on, you have wiped my tears, you have made me smile, you have offered advice, and just sat and listened.
Through it all, every crazy thing in our lives since we were 14, you have made a difference. I am only 1 person, but I can assure you there are many others out there who feel you have made a difference to them as well. Maybe not in the grand world-saving way you are thinking of, but you have made a difference. You wouldn't have the support you do without having done that.
I love you hon, it's a scary thing you are going through and no one will ever know exactly what it's like for you except you. But believe me, you've made a difference. And come hell or high water, my bff WILL be around next Christmas, and many more after that. I have faith in that, and that's a lot coming from me.

Anonymous said...

Still many strangerprayers said- and apparently with you now. Thank you for your sharing of the understanding of trauma,and a sense of...reality amidst it?? You state it like it is, from the perspective of one of God's children; that much I know in regard to unbelievable occurrences ( to put it very, very, mildly...). In Jesus, we are friends, Sister; like it or not. I still wonder amongst the questions you ask, and Life#1 and Life#2. Understandably, if you knew.., there have even been more. I wonder, in intense prayer, if there is something to nine lives, and I state that, in that case, #10 is the one I live for!! By, and for God. 10 at the end of Life#1, the main divide, sadly. Enough about me.
Heather, its no wonder the devil toys with you. Your loving goodness shines through. The thoughts you are thinking in regard to wondering if this might be your last and such, are pure nobility. We should all think so in order that God's loving priorities rise within us and overcome all else, to become our priorities, especially for the holidays. Please have faith. See that you are making a difference, here and now, still. Please, too, listen also to the many, many stories of survival that you hear. Respectfully, none say that it is easy by any means. But life did go on, stronger and more meaningful than ever realized prior. For some reason, I don't wonder if you will be one of those statistics.., I sense that I know you will be, and I don't believe that is the devil misleading me; reality included. You will be ok. My bff, Becky, is an amazing survivor, like you, and still daily continues to make monumental differences in who and how I am. Her Life#2 began some 14 years ago. She, too, is an amazing sister of mine, in God; like unto angel almost, to my life. Prayers continuing.. you, even in the anguish, sound stronger than what I have previously witnessed. Thank God!!! ~