There are some days when I look in the mirror and think ... is this real? I remember in my BC( before cancer) life that I would see someone bald from cancer, usually on tv, and wonder what that must be like. I could never even imagine it. Today as I sit here in my infusion room alone I still am having a hard time grasping the fact that YES, this is my life! I still have trouble looking toward the future, and being on the survivor side of this disease, and when days like today come up, where my liver still isn't functioning right, and my drug dose has been reduced to try and control that issue I just stare at the ceiling and wonder ... is this real? Will it ever seem real? Is it better that it doesn't seem that way?
It has been an emotional week for me I'm not sure why although I'm only counting today and yesterday I tend lately to just have a day or an hour that is a little tougher. With the holidays upon us I've begun to let the devil take hold of my brain and thinking more about what if this is my last holiday with my kids, and what have I done to make a difference in someone else's life in the last 32 years? As I sit here I can here a man talking as he gets his treatment about life, and all the experiences he's had in the last week and the last 70 or so years. I wonder if I will be able to be in that position in 40 years? I keep hearing stories of this disease taking lives I don't want to be one of those statistics for the next 32 year old, mother of 4 who has to sit in this chair.