3 months

Today marks 3 months by date that I found out I had cancer. I've been in bed since Tuesday recovering from my 4th chemo treatment, and my neighbor along with the help of family, friends, and this community are putting on a fundraiser for our family. Its a big day to say the least. I'm sad, my legs are weak, barely strong enough to last for a short shower, and I'm still nauseated from chemo. I want to be up with my kids, although currently they are all talking, singing, and yelling at the same time literally. I keep having dreams about the future distant and not so. Waking up worrying about Kindergarten round-up that isn't until March, and then upset because I'm missing a good majority of the last year of being a stay at home Mom with a kid at home. Thinking about my daughter's 2nd grade program next week, and the promise of taking her shopping to get a new outfit, this weekend, not happening. Just a lot of randomness. Its a lot of what I think about daily but some days its worse then others. Today I feel like a burden, so many people coming out to support us and me not even able to get the strength to show up. Day 5 of needing people to wait on me, and feeling a bit helpless.
I told Nate tonight that I just don't understand why all these people want to help us. We are so undeserving, What have we done for God to place all these people in our lives to love on and pray for us? Neither of us have the answer, nor may we ever, but we both fully intend to pay it forward once we are better. It is the least, the very least that we can do. I just hope we can get better soon because we have a lot of work ahead of us!

A Regular Sunday

We had a normal Sunday today. We got up, 45 minutes before we had to leave for church, and I rushed everyone around to get ready and out the door. We made it! This is a big accomplishment considering we haven't been to church as a family since early August. I can tell you I didn't sleep the entire night before. I had horrible dreams and the anxiety mounted all night long. I felt ready on a spiritual level to get back, but emotionally I was a wreck. Worrying about if people who didn't know what was going on would stare, and if people who did know what was going on would stare, my legs were shaky my heart was racing as I walked up to the door with the girls. I made it though, we went in sat through service saw a few friends, and came home. Nate watched football I got all the laundry and a few odds and ends caught up for the week, and made a trip to Walmart. Then I came home and MADE dinner for our family, not even just thawing out something frozen I actually put together a meal, a meal like no other, the Sunday evening meal that would make any Mom proud.... hot dogs, Velveeta shells and cheese, and green beans :) but I didn't stop there OH NO, I even got dessert... we topped off dinner with root beer floats!!! Then we got the kids ready for school tomorrow, and put them to bed. It was a very non-eventful day honestly, but it was a regular Sunday, and we haven't had one of those in a long time, it felt great!
Tomorrow should be just another manic Monday, and then Tuesday I have my last of the first 4 chemo treatments. This is kind of a mile marker because the first 4 treatments are said to be the hardest, and let me tell you the last one was horrible, and my oncologist said the next will probably be worse. After this one I have a week off and then I begin my weekly chemo treatments. I am NOT looking forward to my treatment this week. The thought of it makes me very emotional. In fact even the last time I began feeling nauseated on the way to chemo before we even made it to Goshen, and this time I anticipate it to be no different. Its so hard to get through one chemo, and finally start to feel better, then have to do it all over again knowing not only will it be as bad as the last time, but worse.  I guess no one ever said this would be easy....thank goodness for "A Regular Sunday".

I just wanna complain for a minute

Thankfully no one told me that with each treatment I'd feel worse. I honestly thought they'd all be about the same as far as side effects go. Boy was I wrong! I've spent over half the night and morning in the bathroom, taken tons of anti nausea meds, my fingers are tingling, my skin hurts to the touch, my bones ache, Laying on one side for too long hurts, but flipping to the other hurts my port. I'm hungry, but feel sick. I'm cold, I'm hot, my eyes burn, I'm tired but can't sleep, I want to get out of this bed for more then a trip to the bathroom, but my heart starts racing, my legs feel like jello, and it takes way too much energy! Its dark in my room, but the sun hurts my eyes, and all the while my cat is just laying here staring at me wondering why the heck does she look like a Katy Perry song!

ok I'm done... just had to get that out! 

Sweet innocence

It's been a pretty overwhelming day today. Just taking in all the fall in the air, and enjoying God's beauty. Of course there is the ever important fall sport of football which I could really care less about, but with boys in the house inevitable its on our TV for at least one game a day on the weekends. Today was no different, Nate relaxed on the couch with the kids off and on, and the football games began, but being that its October there was a lot of pink on the field. Pink shoes, towels, ribbons and shirts all over the stadium. One of my kids innocently said, "look, Mom they are wearing pink for you" they really have no idea that there are so many other women out there fighting this fight, but in a way I'm glad they think that everyone is wearing pink just for me because then they can see how much support we have been shown without knowing even half the people who have supported us, and someday when they run into someone else who has no hair and is a little flat chested hopefully they will show them as much support as others have shown us.