Saturday, July 30, 2011

The days are running together...

Today I woke up hungry a new feeling that I haven't had for the last week or so. My sweet husband got me some watermelon and sprite for breakfast, the new breakfast of champion's in this house. It tasted good sweet and crisp. It was shower time so once again my sweet husband got me undressed and helped me into the shower, where he slowly washed my hair, and my skin. The smell of clean is refreshing and the sleepy feeling I have from the nausea meds made me unknowingly rest my head so far down as he massaged I ended up laying on his chest. Once clean and dry he carefully changed my bandages and dressed me. His step-dad was waiting to visit so we visited with him for a while, and then I chatted on the phone with my Mom. Now as I lay here, still sleepy my chest throbs with tightness, I can sometime feel a cold or wet sensation where my breast once were. I still have not had the courage to look at myself in front of a mirror without clothes. I keep thinking that I should have done that by now, and the longer I wait the harder it will be. I can already see the flatness of what was once full, and dread my first public appearance in which I anticipate a lot of emotion.
As we have started this journey it makes us so aware that the people we pass daily could be going through something. As I prepared for my surgery with a trip to walmart I keep seeing people walk by me doing their normal life things thinking... "don't they know, don't I look sick, can't they tell?" of course not, of course they have no idea, but I will. I will make myself more open to seeing the hurt and pain in peoples eyes to make myself more aware and ask how someones day is with meaning and real curiosity rather then just trying to make conversation.

Thank you again to those who have continued to be a support to our family as we walk this road. I can not thank you all personally there are so many, but please know I am reading every comment, email and facebook post daily and they really are keeping me going as I lay here recovering.

5 comments:

everingham5 said...

Heather, first know our thoughts & prayers are with you. I have worked with women with breast cancer pre/post-op & treatment of lymphedema. Everyone is different of when they first see themselves after surgery. Take your time & when your are ready you'll know. I had a patient took 3 months before she could look at herself. It's ok to mourn your "body" loss. But remember that when you do look at yourself, your family & friends don't see a woman without breasts, we see Heather! Please call if we can help or if you have questions. All our love to you, Nate & kids.

Caroline said...

Heather, it is OK to look, OK to remember and OK to know that you have the strength to move on. I know there are support groups offered to you and I suggest you take advantage of them. I remember when Linda Ellerbee had her bilateral mastectomies. She bought all new tee shirts and learned she was fine with them and fine with her new image. You are a strong and fine woman. You always will be no matter what configuration you appear in. Love knows no boundaries or shapes.
You are surrounded by love and you always will be.
Caroline

The Zagorski's said...

Sending love to you!

Laurie =)

Sara Ogle said...

Still thinking and praying for strength and laughter to come your way daily! You'll look in the mirror when your ready....there's no timeclock running....one day you'll get curious and you'll be ready for the flood of emotions when it happens...Remember, they were just boobies :) You can always buy a new set!! Your a beautiful woman and so smart and insightful...I just love your courage & wisdom!! Keep bloggin!!

Ron Sr. said...

I think that I know what you mean by looking at yourself in the mirror, but when Pam and I were there the other day you looked really good to me. Maybe a little flat chested, but that can be fixed in time. Hell, if you wanna see something bad, just think what I see when I get out of the shower. That even makes me cry! We love you just the way you are. Just take this one day at a time and we will be there for you. Everyone loves you so much.