When he tells me I'm beautiful
What do I say
When he tells me I'm beautiful
and I don't feel that way

When he tells me I'm beautiful
my eyes start to fill
When he tells me I'm beautiful
beautiful still

When he tells me I'm beautiful
I love him even more
When he tells me I'm beautiful
it brings me up from the floor

When he tells me I'm beautiful
I feel like I can fight like a girl
When he tells me I'm beautiful
beautiful still

When he tells me I'm beautiful
what do I say
When he tells me I'm beautiful
and he loves me any way

too much

Nothing in the world can prepare you for a morning like this... even the previous days of hair loss can not prepare you for how my day started today. As I do each morning I woke up and got prepared to take my shower. In the last few days I have started to loose my hair, but this morning as I let the hot water run over my body and wet my hair I could feel clumps of hair running down my back and then to my legs as it journeyed towards the drain. The emotion is uncontrollable as my eyes are heavy and hot with tears even under the hot shower I could still feel them pouring out. As I anticipated this day I knew it would be a long one, but even after arriving its still too much to bare. My head hurts from the throbbing of a headache and from each strand that is coming out. My heart aches for all that I'm going through, and that is yet to come. And as I wait for the hair still left on my head to dry my body is shaking knowing that this will be the last time for a while I will have hair. As with the rest of this journey I fear rejection and a different sense of womanhood. How my children and husband will look and feel about me/ Its too much for one day, just too much..

Treatment 2

Day 2 of treatment two so far has been similar to Day 2 of treatment 1, but last night was horrible. I was weak, and terribly nauseated couldn't sleep even though I had been given a drug that helps with sleeping and nausea. This morning I woke up crampy and still a bit nauseous, however after breakfast I did what I do every morning... I ran my fingers through my hair, not a good idea. I didn't get a clump of hair in return, but several strands each time I did it. I noticed last night that my "hair hurt" as we call it around here. You know when you wear your hair up all day and then take it down and it just hurts where you've had it up. I know this won't apply to most of the men in my life seeing as they have the look I'm about to attain, but Nate claims he gets the sensation too when his hair is growing out longer then he usual wears it.

All in all my treatment yesterday went ok we did have to slow down my drip considerably from the last time as my headache came on much sooner. For those that have medical knowledge the first treatment I was at 900ml, they backed it off to 700ml at the end last time, she started at 700ml this time backed it off to 500ml and then finally backed it down to 250ml with a saline dilute running simultaneously. It took considerably longer, which is ok. I had time to visit with my Grandma, but I hope its not an indication of things to come seeing as each time has gotten worse faster. I also acquired 3 more scripts to help with side effects. Between Nate and I we could probably start a small pharmacy, and I will admit that the pharmacist knows me by first name without looking at my script already. Not a goal I ever thought I'd achieve, but it didn't come in handy when Nate's doc wrote an illegal prescription the other night. Nothing horrible he just used one script pad when he should have used two. Luckily with a quick phone call and some understanding we got it filled. Look for some new pictures in the next update.

Nate's still in pain, but by my side, hopefully getting some good healing. I'm so happy he is home even if he doesn't feel the greatest its very comforting.

The Weeks End

When I posted on Sunday that it was the start of a long week I had no idea how long it would actually be. Nate came through his surgery with flying colors. The doctor did it in about half the time he had scheduled for it. They took less of the colon and small bowel then they thought they would have to and he didn't have to have a bag attached on the outside. The surgeon also said that as for his Crohn's he looked everything over, and his bowels look really good and its not progressed at all. HOWEVER, after surgery things did not go as planned. Nate was in extreme pain so much so that on top of his personal pain pump he also had a continuous drip of pain meds too. He was so sedated with those that he couldn't even speak more than a couple words at a time and most of those didn't make sense. It was no fun seeing him lay there like that it was physically exhausting trying to encourage and help him sit up, breath and eat ice chips and very emotionally exhausting as well. Thursday and Friday brought back more of my Nate, walking the entire hospital and no less then 2 electronic devices in front of him at once trying to get back to work. Still physically exhausted from surgery, but getting to the things he should be doing after surgery. There is chance he'll come home tomorrow, but if not then Monday. The only thing left for him to prove at the hospital is that he can manage the pain with pills like he would at home rather then the pain pump. I'm anxious to get him home because I've gained about 20lbs eating at the hospital the food is so good there, and because it will be a lot easier for me to rest once he is here. I don't know how I made it through this week I've neglected myself as far as resting like I need, but I'd do it all over again for him, in a heartbeat. We're on the road to recovery with Nate...hopefully soon it will be my turn!

The other side of the waiting room

As I sit lay here in the waiting room watching the surgery progression scroll by on the screen... I can't even think clearly. I thought hey, this is a good time to post on the blog... now I think hey what the heck can I write about as they are most likely making their first incisions on my husband. I don't know how he was so strong in waiting "here" for me 8 weeks ago almost to the day. How calm and level headed he was, when I couldn't even hold it together as they wheeled me down for surgery. He was in good spirits right before, and completely passed out on the way down, just mumbling a "thanks you guys" as they wheeled him away. My stomach is making so much noise I have already checked a couple of times to see if its actually my cell phone, that is laying on me, vibrating.

In all honestly I hate the idea of surgery because you just never know, but I am very glad that Nate is getting it, and hope that it helps him a great deal with the pain and suffering he has been dealt with this disease. I hope that it goes as expected and he can recovery quickly.

So as I sit her with my family and my husband's wedding ring attached to my pink bracelet I will try to be strong, if only as half as strong as he has been for me.

Another long week ahead

We're about to embark on another long week this week. Nate will be having his surgery on Tuesday morning, and so it goes from there on out. I hope that he gets through his surgery as well as I did mine. Its a much more extensive surgery, and recovery time is a substantially longer then what I endured. We both think its crazy that neither of us have ever had a surgery before now, and in the same year within a couple months we'll both have laid on an operating table. Nate's surgeon seems hopeful that although his pain was bad he is still in better form then others who go into this, and is optimistic it will be without complication, but we know there are still risks and problems that can arise.

Trying to focus on the good, I can't help but think about the last 11 years I've spent with this man 9 years as his wife, and better half of course :). I feel like we've loved each other, and appreciated most things about each other, and tried to respect each other in the best ways we know how. But Cancer & Crohn's have brought us to a different place in our marriage. A place we never imagined we'd be, and yet I feel like although the hardships and trials are still among us we wouldn't trade what are marriage is right now for anything less. I may not know how I will use cancer as a tool once I'm in a good place with it, but I can tell you I have absolutely ever confidence that I will be able to share with anyone how this has strengthened our relationship. I, now, more than ever look forward to the next 50 years with my husband, and pray that God will bless that beyond measure.

I don't want to waste one more minute not making our marriage everything it can be. I hope we have daily opportunities over the next 50 years to do so. I love you Nate, and  for richer or poorer, happy or mad, sick or healthy will continue to do so all the days of my life.

Its taken me a little while to be able to listen to this but it is the perfect song..

There is a rumbly in my tummy

This stinks! As if I expected anything different. I guess I expected it to be more manageable. Nauseous, stomach cramps, back ache, head ache, you name it I'm feeling it. Before I couldn't really see how people could give up on treatment knowing it was going to make them better, but now I see... how can you go from feeling good, to bad then starting to feel better knowing you have to do it all again?

On top of all that crud, I miss my husband. I want him here beside me, I want to go see him, I want him to hold me...I just want him, and I feel like he is a million miles away, and yet just out of my reach. I still can't even comprehend why God would give us all of this at once. Put our kids and families through all of this at once, not even giving us a chance to fend for ourselves. I don't know if its a test of a gift. I haven't come to the point yet that I can say, yes, I am going to use this situation to my advantage. Everyday I wake up and just want to scream, "WHY", but someone has taken my voice and I can't, I just can't!

Day 1

Very sleepy tonight but I wanted to at least post and say we made it through chemo round one I'm exhausted from the last 24 hours. Nate will have surgery next Tuesday and be in the hospital for the next 2 weeks at least. More info after I sleep! Good News PET scan was clear of any other cancer!!

Broken Angel..

Its 12:05am on Wednesday morning as I begin this post. Earlier I spent the whole day taking Nate to 3 different hospitals to have him admitted in Ft. Wayne at the last hospital we went to and possibly facing surgery. In about 8 hours I will begin my day and start my first chemo treatment. In the past post when I've said I'm overwhelmed I am now beginning to think I didn't really know what that meant until today.
On our way to the Ft. Wayne today as I was driving down US 30 all of the sudden I felt something fall on me. I looked up to see that my little guardian angel that hangs on my visor had broken in half. Somehow symbolizing the day and the last several weeks for our family. It made me lose some hope, and think out loud to Nate.. you know its a bad day when your guardian angel breaks in half and falls on your head. I'm so exhausted I can barely move my fingers across the keyboard in the right directions. I feel defeated and even more weak then before. How can I do all of this? Why all at once? Who is going to be strong now for me AND Nate? My babies are being taken care of, but I feel like they have had to learn things that they shouldn't have, and that isn't going to change anytime soon enough. Life as we knew it is getting a radical overhaul.
I need to sleep now, but I will have more to post soon. For now just pray because I can not end this post with anything I see good about today.

Stresssssss

After a long weekend, I finally have time to sit and take it all in.

Thursday I had my PET scan... that wasn't too bad, but emotional thinking about what the results may be. I came home to Nate in the same place I had left him 4 hours previous, the fetal position on the couch in pain.

Friday was planned to be our date night to celebrate our anniversary, but Nate still wasn't feeling well still so we did the next best thing rented a movie, and sent the kids to Grandma's.

My little girl turned 8 on Saturday. I hate that each year from here on out her birthday will be a reminder of when I started chemo, but I hope that when she turns 18 I can celebrate being cancer free for almost 10 years.

Sunday was our fundraiser. I'm not sure how many people actually came for the ski show or the fundraiser, but there was a nice turn out either way, and we raised over 1,000 dollars to help with our medical cost. We still have some t-shirts left if anyone would like one. The kids had a great time, and we are so grateful to everyone who contributed to making that happen.

Today we spent time at the lake with friends, and I got my hair cut and colored thanks to their generosity and caring for us. We had a good time laughing and hanging out.

Now as I sit her tonight and listen to Nate sleeping, and his stomach making noise its all taking its toll. Nate's been having issues with his Crohn's since Wednesday evening, unfortunately even with more rest then he usual gets its not seeming to get better, but only worse. I feel horrible for him, and am scared to death that he isn't going to feel better this week as I begin chemo. I am scared that our kids are going to essentially have to grow up fast this year with our illnesses coinciding. I feel like I'm losing all control. I don't understand why God would give us all this at once, its getting harder to feel like everything will be ok knowing so many things are happening at once. I'm not this strong, and I hate to admit it but its so so hard to rely on God when I can't see him clearly. I feel like I can't breath already and now someone is putting a bag over my head.

Dear God, I hope that the one set of footprints is yours because I can't stand up anymore.