Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Broken Angel..

Its 12:05am on Wednesday morning as I begin this post. Earlier I spent the whole day taking Nate to 3 different hospitals to have him admitted in Ft. Wayne at the last hospital we went to and possibly facing surgery. In about 8 hours I will begin my day and start my first chemo treatment. In the past post when I've said I'm overwhelmed I am now beginning to think I didn't really know what that meant until today.
On our way to the Ft. Wayne today as I was driving down US 30 all of the sudden I felt something fall on me. I looked up to see that my little guardian angel that hangs on my visor had broken in half. Somehow symbolizing the day and the last several weeks for our family. It made me lose some hope, and think out loud to Nate.. you know its a bad day when your guardian angel breaks in half and falls on your head. I'm so exhausted I can barely move my fingers across the keyboard in the right directions. I feel defeated and even more weak then before. How can I do all of this? Why all at once? Who is going to be strong now for me AND Nate? My babies are being taken care of, but I feel like they have had to learn things that they shouldn't have, and that isn't going to change anytime soon enough. Life as we knew it is getting a radical overhaul.
I need to sleep now, but I will have more to post soon. For now just pray because I can not end this post with anything I see good about today.


Gingers life said...

Heather, I know nothing sounds good right now. But you do have a few good things going, as hard as it is to feel. so so many people are prayin for you. We have to be Thankful that the kids will have some real blood grandmas to love on for at least the next to weeks.Im trying to see the good in this as hard as it is for me to be so far away,but God even had that arranged with JOnna on vacation, and me coming . nate will br in goog hands. you will need rest.Ilove you and praying as hard as I can...

Anonymous said...

My name is Kim and I saw your blog posted as a link on one of my Facebook friend's status. I just "happened" across this link and felt compelled to go look and found your heartfelt and honest blog. I am an intercessor who God calls into prayer for people. Immediately upon reading your entry for today our Lord sent me into a travailing, weeping time of prayer which was too deep for words, Rom. 8:26. I can't understand with my own understanding this amazing kind of prayer where God has intercessors stand in the gap for someone, but it's like we take hold of the "baton" that has to be passed because the one being prayed for is just too weary or unable to pray; just doesn't know what to pray anymore...

I feel like God then took me to Sam. 1:4-20. In that plea from a barren woman, God answered her prayers which were too deep for words, (she was thought to be drunk because no words came from her mouth in her deep prayers of anguish.)

There are times our pain is just too much for words. God alone understands your heart better than anyone and He has heard your cry. In fact in 1 Samuel 1:20 "Samuel" sounds like the Hebrew for "heard by God."

Although this is so hard to do, I want to encourage you to put your blinders on and try to focus on the face of Jesus, blocking out all other obstacles to seeing His face. When I have felt like what life was throwing at me was just too much, I would meditate on the scripture from Prov. 3:5, "Trust in the Lord with your whole heart and lean not on your own understanding." We will know we are leaning on our own understanding when we keep trying to no avail to understand "why" or when we just feel nothing but frustration, fear, anger. These emotions are justified, which is why it takes energy and focus to put those aside and just CHOOSE to trust Him in this situation. It has to be purposeful because our emotions will not be in agreement with our choice.

The awesome thing about going to this secret place with the Lord is that we can tell Him everything we are feeling and He understands. I use that time to get it out of me because He knows it's there anyway and understands, Heb. 4:15. He won't judge you for not "being strong enough" or "spiritual" enough...He can handle the "rawness" of what you give Him.

I want to encourage you to rest...physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually...

You can know that if God would take a total stranger and place her in a form of prayer like what just occurred, that He has your back and is fighting for you...He's your battleax! (Jerem. 51:20)

Peace to your soul, precious one!

Carrie said...

Honey, WE are all going to be strong for you and Nate. That's why we are all surrounding you and doing what we can. I know you so well and I know it's hard for you to lean, but that's what every single one of us is here for. Some of us are far away and if we could take your pain and fear away we would in a heartbeat. Others are closer and would do the same and are helping in whatever way they can. Grab hold of us, grab our love and support and help and strength. I'm giving every ounce to you and I wish I was there to do more but this is what I got. constant thoughts, energy and strength sent straight to you and Nate. You are so loved, and when it all seems hopeless and you feel most lost please remember that I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that you can do this. You are so very much stronger than you think or feel, I can't tell you enough. It isn't just a quote, it's what I believe of you.

everingham5 said...

Heather, you & Nate WILL make it through this! The kids will be stronger as their parents are good examples that when facing trials they not only shared their faith & strength in God but the fears & uncertainty of this world.
I remember when Richard & I were going through his illness in '92, the girls were 8,5 & 2 weeks when he had the 1st surgery- there were 6 total that year. I thought it would never end, overwhelmed in trying to work, attend school functions, dealing w/a newborn, dr/hospital visits & explaining to the girls what daddy had to do. The 1 major thing that whole experience taught me was God is faithful even when I doubted my faith. I also learned to let others help me, what a church family really is & nothing is more important than the family that God had given to Richard & I.
You are stronger than you think but cry when you need to, get mad when you need to & love with all your heart in all of it. We love you, Nate & the kids!

Rachel said...

{raises hand}
I will be strong enough for you and Nate. Let me help. <3