Friday, August 12, 2011

The higher you go, the harder you fall.

Its funny how the title quote works. "The higher you go, the harder you fall" really in all aspects of life sick or healthy, rich or poor. I feel like today is one of those days. I was really happy yesterday learning there isn't going to be surgery in the near future, and I even did some shopping, but today after taking in all the upcoming appts. to be had as I stood in the bathroom straitening my hair I just lost it. All in about the last 12 hours things have started to just hit... more appts., Nate finally was able to get out of the house for work today, and is planning a business trip before chemo starts, and then I thought about losing my hair and how I want some family pictures taken before that happens, and the thought of planning all that led to thinking about I have wedding pictures that need finishing edits, and the kids start back to school Tuesday. Life is moving at a pretty steady pace, and all the sudden I have headed to the on ramp of the emotional expressway.
Nate's been working from home since surgery, and now I feel so overwhelmed when he goes anywhere, like he's my security blanket in case anything gets too overwhelming I can wrap up in him and everything will be fine. I feel like that's so horrible, kinda like a lifetime movie I saw recently where the mother made sure she knew every step her 30 year old daughter was taking and when she didn't like what was happening she'd freak out take some anxiety drugs and fake an illness or injury to manipulate her daughter into not doing anything but being with her. I don't know how the movie ended, but I'm sure it wasn't good. Thankfully I'm not that evil, but I can see how the character felt so scared and alone when the thought of her daughter having other things to occupy her time was so overwhelming. I know its not healthy to rely on him so much and honestly I've never been that type of person. I'm the wife that if I want the furniture moved or something put together. I just do it. I don't wait for my husband to help. In the past I've asked Nate if that is something he doesn't like about me, that I'm so independent, and he's always said no, but now I'm the complete opposite and feel like I am suffocating him.
I know that God is the one who gives me strength to get through each day, but it sure helps when I have Nate's strong arms to lift me up. Today I want to hide and cry, tomorrow is a new day!


The Zagorski's said...

Hi there =)
So sorry kiddo. This will definitely be a journey for both you and Nate and for alot of the same and very different reasons. Breathe in Breathe out to help with the anxiety in the moment =)

Love you and thinking of you lots!

Kendra said...

I'm sorry today is a rough day Heather. Right now I'm sure Nate is feeling very helpless, so if he can provide comfort to you, then that is a great job for him. It's ok to rely on him completely ~ that's why God put you two together. Hugs to you & Nate!
Kendra & Tim