Saturday, August 13, 2011

Stage 2

I think I was in 7th or 8th grade when we had a unit on Death & Dying. In this learning unit I distinctly remember 2 things. There was a field trip to a funeral home to which my Mom would not let me go because it was a funeral home in direct competition with my Grandfather's funeral home, and she said I didn't need to go because I basically grew up in the funeral business, and if I had any questions or wanted to see anything I could ask my Grandpa. The second thing I remember was learning the 5 stages of grieving: 
  • 1. Denial and Isolation
  • 2. Anger
  • 3. Bargaining
  • 4. Depression
  • 5. Acceptance 
In retrospect it never dawned on me that these 5 stages were not only meant for the "death & dying unit". Looking at these now I see that I'm right on track, and tonight was no exception. As I was sitting in our church service I was overwhelmed with anger. Something I haven't really felt until now. I couldn't sit there for long, pretty much as soon as Nate came and sat down from being on stage I had to leave. I got up and walked out the back door (Nate was right there behind me) and crying all the way. I just feel so mad!! Mad that we're in the prime of our lives, our children are still so needing, and there is just so much life going on right now. I can accept that I have cancer, but I just wish it wasn't happening right now. Even almost every doctor we've met has the same statements, "you're so young" or "because of your age we're going to..." I know, I know... God has a plan, right? Well today I'm going to be mad at God for his plan, he's big enough he can take it. Tomorrow is a new day, maybe he and I can work things out then, but for today I'm just angry!                                                                                                                                


Carrie said...

You caught up to me. You're only human and you'll work through this as you've worked through all the other stuff. Just gonna tell you I love you and let me know if you need anything...I'll do what I can.

Caroline said...

Good job Heather. You can't deal with what you do not acknowledge. You are already a Winner.

We love you!

The Zagorski's said...

Good for you Heather, one step at a time. You're right, God's big enough to take it and he knows you, loves you and he knows where you're at.

Love you Cousin!

Rachel said...

Remember Job. Read his story again, if you don't remember. Job's pain never made sense to him or to his family, but God understood it and was right there with Job through it all, even when Job felt abandoned and was angry with God for putting him through more than he though he could handle. God's plan is to love us, take care of us, nurture us ... his plan is not to harm us, or destroy us. Never. Too many questions right now, not enough answers that will satisfy you. Remember to have faith, and to trust God. It's ok to be mad, to be angry, to be p*ssed off. Throw your anger at God. He can take it. He wants it. He wants to take it from you. Give him all you have because he is bigger and stronger and wiser than pain, than cancer, than your anger. Then collapse in his strength, in his love, in his arms, trust that he will never leave you nor forsake you (Psalm 23).