Sunday, August 7, 2011

On the front porch swing

After having my drains removed last night I knew I wanted to get out of bed today at least for a little bit. So I woke up took a shower, put some real clothes on and.....went back to bed. Yep, thats right. I've had a headache since last night (still do) and with taking a shower and getting dressed I was pretty pooped. So I rested took some of my headache meds until around 4, and finally decided headache or not I was going to venture out. I made it! So I sat on the front porch for a couple hours, then decided I couldn't sit anymore I gently swept the porch and picked up a few random kid droppings, and now I am pooped again. My chest right in the middle feels like someone has piled a few bricks on it every time I take a breath. I feel pretty defeated right now... maybe I pushed I really didn't do much, but I keep thinking about the fact that the Dr. typically sends people home the day of the surgery with no restrictions other than driving, and lifting. Otherwise its life as normal. How come I can't feel "normal" after 12 days?
Some days the emotions are good, like today, and then all the sudden BAM! I feel like I'm flying down the emotional highway. All because someone walked by the house.
As a women I've always noticed if my husband glaces at another women, intentionally or not. Now that I've had my surgery and lost one of the things that attracts my husband to me its amplified times a million. Of course I know in my head he isn't looking at women because he is necessarily attracted to them, it could have been just because they walked by or came over or we're watching TV, but I'm jealous that something that I once had has been stolen from me, and that my husband can no longer be attracted to me in that way. I know there are many other things that he is attracted to, but lets face it the vast majority of men, are sexual driven. I'm not going to get real personal here, but my husband is no exception, and to feel like I'm unable to please him kills me.
So sitting on the porch today was nice, I enjoyed the fresh air and the sunshine, but seeing people out and about doing there thing was hard, it frustrates me, it hurts me, it makes me sad. I want it back, I want my normal back!

5 comments:

Carrie said...

Nothing anyone says will probably make you feel any better. it will most likely just come in time with much reassurance from everyone, especially Nate. I will repeat something i posted before though...you are NOT defined by your outside, but by your incredible love, kindness, generosity, strength and all sorts of other positive traits that I am not able to list because it will take up too much space. :) I love you, stronger than you think and feel. This too shall pass.

Caroline said...

Hi, did you know the pain meds you are taking can CAUSE a headache? it is a real dilemma.

This is your normal you wonderful woman. You have not lost anything. You are a Winner and with each passing day you shine more and more. You have been asked to travel a path so hard yet so delicate and with such Grace. You can do this. You really really can.

Carrie said...

ps, I'm really really glad you got outside, too! :)

ko said...

Heather....I just want you to know, the prayers just keep going up. If we only knew what God has in store for us...Hugs to you & your family!!!

Tiffany Arnett said...

Heather...I can't even imagine, but believe that I would feel the same way. Remember that it is okay to get angry and ask WHY!!! My heart went out to you when I read this...and as I go about my normal everyday life you cross my mind all the time...I hope these feelings pass with time and I don't know your marriage, but I do know that God picked Nate for YOU! He also knew all of this was going to happen and that he would be exactly what you needed. Not sure any of my words help and it's always easier to say from the outside, but I just felt compelled to share :) I hope you are having a better day!