Monday, August 1, 2011

Happy highs and Lousy Lows

Yesterday was a great day. Although I didn't sleep at all, I had a total of 7 people come to visit. It made me happy to see everyone and I even had some comic relief with our cousin Denise and her husband.

Soon enough though everyone went home, and I had taken my last pain pill at 1pm, the house was dark and the tears were hot. As I began to rethink the events of the day the kid came home, that was good, but my oldest daughter (7) and youngest son (4), who are two peas in a pod were curious, and rightfully so. Hannah couldn't find the words to describe so she said I looked "young". Maxwell wanted to see where they "cut" me. I let him. He later told Nate that "the doctors cut off Mommy's boobies and made them black" referring to the incision site. He and Caedence both were curious to see the drains and where they went in, and what was coming out. I didn't really want them to see those, but inevitably I couldn't keep them hidden forever.
As I was reviewing all of this in my head, laying alone in my bed, the tears began to flow hot and heavy. The thoughts of no longer having breast began to sink in a little, and the fears of how the kids will react to the hair loss when the time comes for that.
Also, around the same time I had started to feel some discomfort. I tried taking one of my milder pain pills but it just gives me hives so it wasn't helping, and I was and am still feeling strange sensations where my breast once were. Sometimes vibrations, sometimes like a drip of water is running down my chest, and worst of all last night was a cold knife like sensation across the incision site. My arms are beginning to get some feeling back too and its like the feeling when your foot falls asleep and its just starting to wake up, when you feel as if you want to jump out of your skin when it touches anything.

As I began to feel each new thing I was thinking back to Wednesday and how I felt like a 5 year old when I was wheeled into the operating room. How big and scary it was, and how there were so many people with masks on as they began to call out my name, birth date, and what surgery I was about to have. It was all like a scary nightmare I'm glad the anesthesia worked quickly once I got in there.
All of these feelings combined were too much I just had to cry and cry, but today is a new day. I've got a new bottle of the pain pills that work and am about to get a shower, one of the high-lights of my day. I look forward to the encouraging words I will receive today, and sounds of laughter from my children.


The Zagorski's said...

Hi Heather,
Thank you so much for sharing your journey and all that it encompasses. I'm hoping that the blogging is a big help or relief for you.

I'm praying that you feel better with each passing moment. Thinking of you and your family constantly!


Melissa said...

I hope you are having a nice day just enjoying the sounds of the kids back in the house:)

I'm always thinking about you Heather and you are always in my prayers:)

Brian and Carrie Baker said...

Heather - although I don't have any words that will take away your pain or your fear, I hope that you know how much we are thinking and praying for you all. Although I can't begin to imagine your trials at this time, I know what it feels like to never want to be "that family" that everyone is praying for. How quickly our lives can change with just a few words that, to a Dr is just another day on the job, but to us, once they are spoken we are never the same. I pray that each day you will find more strength than the day before and that you may always know how beautiful you are both inside and out. Although people may see us on the outside first, it's our inner beauty that defines us.
Always in our thoughts!