Happy highs and Lousy Lows

Yesterday was a great day. Although I didn't sleep at all, I had a total of 7 people come to visit. It made me happy to see everyone and I even had some comic relief with our cousin Denise and her husband.

Soon enough though everyone went home, and I had taken my last pain pill at 1pm, the house was dark and the tears were hot. As I began to rethink the events of the day the kid came home, that was good, but my oldest daughter (7) and youngest son (4), who are two peas in a pod were curious, and rightfully so. Hannah couldn't find the words to describe so she said I looked "young". Maxwell wanted to see where they "cut" me. I let him. He later told Nate that "the doctors cut off Mommy's boobies and made them black" referring to the incision site. He and Caedence both were curious to see the drains and where they went in, and what was coming out. I didn't really want them to see those, but inevitably I couldn't keep them hidden forever.

As I was reviewing all of this in my head, laying alone in my bed, the tears began to flow hot and heavy. The thoughts of no longer having breast began to sink in a little, and the fears of how the kids will react to the hair loss when the time comes for that.

Also, around the same time I had started to feel some discomfort. I tried taking one of my milder pain pills but it just gives me hives so it wasn't helping, and I was and am still feeling strange sensations where my breast once were. Sometimes vibrations, sometimes like a drip of water is running down my chest, and worst of all last night was a cold knife like sensation across the incision site. My arms are beginning to get some feeling back too and its like the feeling when your foot falls asleep and its just starting to wake up, when you feel as if you want to jump out of your skin when it touches anything.

As I began to feel each new thing I was thinking back to Wednesday and how I felt like a 5 year old when I was wheeled into the operating room. How big and scary it was, and how there were so many people with masks on as they began to call out my name, birth date, and what surgery I was about to have. It was all like a scary nightmare I'm glad the anesthesia worked quickly once I got in there.

All of these feelings combined were too much I just had to cry and cry, but today is a new day. I've got a new bottle of the pain pills that work and am about to get a shower, one of the high-lights of my day. I look forward to the encouraging words I will receive today, and sounds of laughter from my children.